Friday, 14th May 2021

Six bullshit things that will happen at the Oscars so you don't have to watch it

IT’S the f**king Oscars again. Here are some entirely predictable gaffes, triumphs and controversies so you don’t have to spend hours watching this smug event.

‘Edgy’ humour will go down badly

Although there won’t be a ‘controversial’ host like Seth McFarlane this time, someone is bound to crack gags which are poorly received. Not because they are too edgy for Hollywood royalty, but because they are shit. 

Very, very earnest films will win

The winners are likely to be jolly films about terminal illness, prejudice or poverty. This is somewhat hypocritical because the other 99.5 per cent of Hollywood output is cars going really fast, big monsters and hot superhero ladies. They should appeal to everyone by making Brokeback Godzilla vs. Kong.

Someone will give an agonising acceptance speech

It’s hard to compete with Gywneth Paltrow’s blubbing in 1999, but there are other options. Maybe an absurdly privileged actor will say, ‘This is for the women of Afghanistan!’, or someone will try to thank Jesus for 10 minutes.

A minor problem will be treated as shocking or incredibly hilarious

Maybe Reese Witherspoon will have difficulty opening an envelope. Or Harrison Ford will announce Riz Ahmed has won, but Gary Oldman will get his cue wrong and walk on too early instead. Crazy.

Everyone will congratulate themselves on being liberal 

Stars love paying lip service to causes, as long as they’re ones all their peers are 100 per cent in agreement with. No prizes for guessing this year’s issue will be Black Lives Matter, although many Hollywood types seem to think they have already eradicated racism by making Black Panther

The lifetime achievement award

Illustrated with a grovelling film outlining their career, this has the unfortunate effect of highlighting all the shit films an actor did to buy coke and swimming pools. So if this year it’s, say, Mickey Rourke’s turn, you’ll be reminded not only of 9 ½ Weeks, but also the subnormal drivel which is The Expendables