Six bullshit things that will happen at the Oscars so you don't have to watch it

IT’S the f**king Oscars again. Here are some entirely predictable gaffes, triumphs and controversies so you don’t have to spend hours watching this smug event.

‘Edgy’ humour will go down badly

Although there won’t be a ‘controversial’ host like Seth McFarlane this time, someone is bound to crack gags which are poorly received. Not because they are too edgy for Hollywood royalty, but because they are shit. 

Very, very earnest films will win

The winners are likely to be jolly films about terminal illness, prejudice or poverty. This is somewhat hypocritical because the other 99.5 per cent of Hollywood output is cars going really fast, big monsters and hot superhero ladies. They should appeal to everyone by making Brokeback Godzilla vs. Kong.

Someone will give an agonising acceptance speech

It’s hard to compete with Gywneth Paltrow’s blubbing in 1999, but there are other options. Maybe an absurdly privileged actor will say, ‘This is for the women of Afghanistan!’, or someone will try to thank Jesus for 10 minutes.

A minor problem will be treated as shocking or incredibly hilarious

Maybe Reese Witherspoon will have difficulty opening an envelope. Or Harrison Ford will announce Riz Ahmed has won, but Gary Oldman will get his cue wrong and walk on too early instead. Crazy.

Everyone will congratulate themselves on being liberal 

Stars love paying lip service to causes, as long as they’re ones all their peers are 100 per cent in agreement with. No prizes for guessing this year’s issue will be Black Lives Matter, although many Hollywood types seem to think they have already eradicated racism by making Black Panther

The lifetime achievement award

Illustrated with a grovelling film outlining their career, this has the unfortunate effect of highlighting all the shit films an actor did to buy coke and swimming pools. So if this year it’s, say, Mickey Rourke’s turn, you’ll be reminded not only of 9 ½ Weeks, but also the subnormal drivel which is The Expendables

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Why straight white men are actually great, by a straight white man

SICK of people making reasonable criticisms of straight white men? Here Caucasian heterosexual Julian Cook explains why they’re actually the bee’s knees.

Exhibit A: Ryan Gosling

The Hollywood heart-throb only accounts for a tiny fraction of the male population, but his animal rights stuff and visiting refugee camps makes the rest of us look good by association. Sure, us straight white men have done some dodgy stuff over the years, but did you know one of us learnt the piano from scratch for La La Land?

We’re keeping the sports car industry afloat

If it wasn’t for straight white men having a midlife crisis and making ill-judged purchases, the sports car sector would go kaput overnight. And then where would we be, in a world with a lower carbon footprint and more practical motor vehicles clogging up our roads? No thank you.

We invented loads of cool stuff

From the lightbulb to the internet, strapping straight white fellas have invented all sorts of wonderful things. This is probably because we limited opportunities for other folk in the past, but let’s not get hung up on the details. Just try to ignore the bad inventions, like nuclear weapons and Swingball.

We know a lot of useless trivia

And we’re going to tell you about it. It’s unlikely that winning a pub quiz will ever be the difference between life and death, but rest assured that with a straight white man on your team you’ll always be in safe, condescending hands. The hands of a man who can name all the bounty hunters in The Empire Strikes Back.

We make other demographics look good

By setting the bar low, straight white men are making it easier for other demographics to look good by comparison. Whether it’s having nerdy, obsessive hobbies or committing historical atrocities, all everyone else has to do is not be as bad as us. You’re welcome.