Friday, 14th May 2021

Five things you're totally free to talk about but probably shouldn't

NOT sure what you’re allowed to talk about in this supposed age of ‘cancel culture’? These topics won’t get you no-platformed, but it’s still best to avoid them.

A satisfying bowel movement

The relief of unloading a stool into the toilet is a universal experience, however people will give you a wide berth if you start dropping the topic into conversation. The only person who might possibly care is your doctor, and only because they’re being paid for it.

Last night’s dream

Did your subconscious show you some weird random images and memories again? Did you find yourself in your nan’s house with a kid from primary school? Thrilling. Only mention your dream if it was a crystal-clear premonition of lottery numbers, and even then don’t expect people to listen because it’s still bollocks.

The weather

Noticing that it’s overcast won’t get you hounded off social media, but it will signal to people that you’re a thundering dullard with nothing interesting to say. In the unlikely event of notable weather you should only say clipped observations like ‘nice out’ and ‘f**k’s sake’. Anything longer is just wasting everybody’s precious time.

How well your relationship is going

While your deep human connection and marathon shagging sessions are fascinating to you, everyone else will find your happiness deeply repulsive. However feel free to mention it if you’re going through a tearful break-up or your partner is a pain in the arse. Everyone likes a bit of other people’s misery. 

Your reasonable political opinions

Extreme views are off the table for obvious reasons, but don’t think your achingly moderate political opinions are worth hearing about either. So what if you support Keir Starmer but with understandable reservations? Talk about something more exciting, like a big duck you saw.