Six films you loved as a kid there's no f**king way your own children are watching

THERE are some films you cherished as a child which you cannot wait to share with your offspring. But definitely not these ones:

Moonraker (1979)

When you were in primary school, you watched Roger Moore Bond films and saw nothing but awesome baddies, exciting car chases, and cool gadgets. With adult eyes, they’re just constant shagging, dubious racial stereotypes and murder on a quite remarkable scale. Moonraker is ostensibly a space adventure, but its major themes are genocide and puns about penetrative sex.

Dirty Dancing (1987)

A rite of passage when you were 13. This film made you feel things you’d never felt before; stirrings you don’t want your own daughter to experience until she’s 32 and you’re ready for grandkids. Now that we have Strictly, young teenagers can get their fix of sparkly costumes, complex choreography and inspirational underdog stories without any of the awkward sexual awakening bits.

Krull (1983)

Your children love Lord of the Rings so perhaps they’d enjoy this cult fantasy from the 1980s. Wait, is that a man’s face melting in graphic detail? Is that a cyclops getting crushed to death? Maybe give this one a miss. The last thing you want to do is give your kids nightmares as that would mean less sleep for you.

Gremlins (1984)

The hilarious sight of creatures getting microwaved and blended to death was rivalled only by the bit where an old woman’s stairlift goes crazy and shoots her out of an upstairs window. A callous disregard for the elderly is not something to instil in the people who’ll one day wield your power of attorney. Still, your kids have no discernible interest in learning how to use any kitchen appliances, so at least the cat is safe.

Jaws (1975)

One of the most thrilling films you saw as a child. Sadly, you cannot risk your own children developing a fear of water because when you go on holiday you want them to piss off and swim so you can read your book in peace. They rob you of fifty weeks of the year, they’re not bloody taking your precious summer break too.

Carry On Camping (1969)

A misogynistic romp full of boobs and disturbing age gaps, it’s weird to think that a VHS copy turned up in your Christmas stocking when you were 12. You’d hate your son to start calling girls ‘sorts’ and slapping them on the bum while cackling, but where you really draw the line is the appalling innuendo. Better to teach your son to disrespect women through the medium of decent jokes and get Santa to deliver a Seinfeld box set.

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'Something's happened': Six ways your parents will give you a heart attack when they ring

NO ONE has the gift of burying the lede quite like your parents when they ring you out of the blue. Here’s how they like to create unnecessary drama:


3pm on a Tuesday is an alarming time for a phone call when your parents know you’ll be at work, so it must be something really bad. Good thing they’ll reassure you when you answer with a long period of shuffling silence while they work out how to operate their mobile.

‘Something’s happened’

Movie trailer editors would envy the unparalleled levels of dread your dad can achieve with one simple phrase. What is the something that’s happened? A flood? A devastating break-in or mugging? Nope, the neighbours have tarmacked their front garden over for a new driveway.

‘She’s died’

Your mum rings to fill you in on the incredibly dramatic details of someone’s hospitalisation and/or death, without giving any names. Is it your gran? Your aunt? The dog? No, it’s a daytime TV celebrity she read about in the paper.

‘We’re at the hospital’

Visiting. Visiting the hospital. Visiting somebody you don’t know. A very crucial extra set of words they for some reason choose to withhold for a full five minutes while you create a hideous scenario in your mind about your brother being in a car crash.

‘Your sister’s not answering her phone’

Said with the kind of ominous energy that suggests she’s been missing for several days and they’re about to call the police. Not that she hasn’t replied to a text about what she wants for Christmas which was sent half an hour ago.

‘Don’t panic’

You weren’t panicking, but now you definitely are. They needed to reassure you, of course, because you were bound to be overcome by the news that they were thinking of changing the paint colour in your childhood bedroom. They’ve probably just taken half an hour off of the precious life they gave you with this terrifying phrase.