Six gruesome and vicious Bushtucker trials sent in by members of the public

THE British public have, unsolicited, been sending in Bushtucker trial ideas for Matt Hancock. Here are six of them.

The Bug Stamper, by Jack Browne, aged 14

‘Matt Hancock has to run back and forth through a glass corridor full of bugs to get stars, but the ceiling is spiked and slams down with overwhelming force when activated by a pressure pad and crushes him to death. We watch it in slow motion as his insides get squished out.’

The Most Dangerous Game, by Sophie Rodriguez, aged 28

‘Matt Hancock is released into a maze full of traps and told he has to find the stars and escape, but there aren’t any stars. Instead all the other celebrities have guns and have to score a direct hit on Matt to earn a meal. They’ve been told they’re paintball guns. They’re not.’

The Insect Queen, by Martha Hancock, aged 44

‘Matt Hancock is working late, or so he tells his wife and three children, but actually he’s got to romance a giant preying mantis to win meals for the camp. He compliments her on her triangular head and powerful mandibles, they make out behind a door, then she kills him and eats him in the manner of her kind.’

The Isolator, by Steven Malley, aged 53

‘Matt Hancock is locked in a glass box, artificially aged until he is 82, then spends months alone only able to see family members mouthing through the soundproof walls, until he dies and nobody is allowed to attend his funeral. See how he f**king likes it.’

The Saw Films, by Hannah Tomlinson, aged 10

‘You know the Saw films? All the tortures in all of those, one after the other, and each one earns a star but then he drops the stars because he hasn’t got hands anymore and the camp are told that their meal today is Matt Hancock and kill and consume him. I drew pictures.’

The Humiliator, by Boris Johnson, aged 58

‘First make him health secretary throughout a pandemic, then sack him for snogging in the office even though I got sucked off in mine, then lock him out of all government jobs until he’s so skint he has to eat crocodile arsehole on national TV and is a f**king joke for the rest of his miserable life. Run against me for PM would you? Twat.’

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Every man's love language is sex

EVERY single man’s preferred way of expressing his love is to have lots of sex multiple times a week, it has emerged.

All other love languages such as flattering comments, quality time and thoughtful acts come second in every man’s vocabulary of affection to a vigorous round of intercourse, ideally with the lights on.

Relationship expert Dr Emma Bradford said: “Men will endure lesser love languages as a means to an end. That end of course being a good, hearty shag where the woman goes on top for a bit.

“Even progressive men who are in touch with their feelings would rather a quickie over love languages like receiving gifts. Unless of course that gift was sex and it was wrapped in lingerie they’d ordered from a catalogue.”

Man Wayne Hayes said: “My favourite love language is physical touch. Or, to be precise, the physical touch of my penis entering a vagina without a condom on, otherwise I can’t feel anything.

“I’m not fussy though. Handjobs and blowies are also acceptable. I’m an old-school romantic like that.”

Girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “Sex is important to women too. We just rely on vibrators because they actually make us come.”