Six incredible special effects you wouldn't even look up from your phone for today

FILM makers think you’re breathlessly going ‘Wow!’ and ‘Awesome!’ at their amazing CGI. You’re not. Here are some we all just stare at blankly now:

Massive superhero falls

Superheroes fall incredible distances but they’re usually indestructible and you know Wonder Woman won’t be squished into a bloody paste or end up in a wheelchair. It’s really just a matter of waiting for them to hit the ground and the film to move on. Thrilling. 

Digital de-ageing

‘Wow! Arnie’s young again! It’s like the original Terminator!’ is not something you’ll be saying. ‘Maybe they should think of some new ideas for films’ is. 

Bullshit car stunts 

Just because you can make a car jump out of a cargo plane and land in a skyscraper doesn’t mean you have to. This nonsense is so commonplace now it would be more exciting to see Jason Statham brake sharply in a Ford Ka to avoid hitting a squirrel.

Wonderfully detailed exotic landscapes 

Directors can finally show alien worlds and futuristic cities as they intended. But you’ve seen loads of ‘the making of’ CGI documentaries, so you just start thinking about computer nerds spending a year getting a leaf just right while the film’s plot, characters and message are all shit.

Space battles

Films used to be limited by the hassle of using models. So now they overcompensate by putting more things on the screen than your puny organic brain can possibly process. Who doesn’t go to the cinema to feel as if someone’s vomiting TIE fighters on you?

Epic superhero fights 

It’s brilliant that powerful superheroes can finally have realistic fights, instead of just Terence Stamp looking camp on some wires. It’s also realistic that the fights would go on for ages. Unfortunately you start to feel as knackered as General Zod after being thrown through the 20th building.

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Seven ways they'll cancel Christmas again, by a right-wing bellend

By Roy Hobbs

CHRISTMAS – remember that? But now it keeps getting cancelled by the woke brigade. Makes you choke on your turkey, except you’re not allowed that unless it’s halal.

Nativities cancelled so as not to offend minorities

What’s their problem? Just because Jesus happened to be a white Christian, we’re supposed to apologise? I suppose next they’ll be banning Lego because the Taliban think it’s blasphemous.

Health and safety regulations I’ve just made up

It’s probably illegal to go sledging in case you crash into someone in a wheelchair. And sorry, kids, no presents this year. Parking reindeer on a roof is a breach of local government ordinance 116, paragraph D, subsection vii. Yes, that’s a tired old joke but I’m still f**king furious about it.

Multi-faith decorations

You’ll have to have Satan on top of your tree to pander to Devil-worshippers. Unbelievable.

Calling it Winterval or somesuch

This is compulsory everywhere now. What next? Calling it ‘Transsexual Hare Krishna Vegan Work-free Non-judgemental Time Period’? That doesn’t even make sense.

Slade’s ‘Merry Christmas Everybody’ replaced with verses from the Koran

Out go traditional Christian lyrics about granny rock and rollin’ with the rest, in with ridiculous Islamic ideas about virgins and the Angel Gabriel.

White Christmas to be replaced by colour-neutral Christmas

The snowflakes – by which I mean the local Labour council, not proper snowflakes – will spray the snow a different colour in case it’s too white. And Bing Crosby would turn in his grave if he knew the radio will change it to ‘I’m dreaming of a pale orange Christmas’. 

Corner shops to stay open on Christmas Day

While traditional British supermarkets like Asda close for a matter of hours, you can bet corner shops won’t. Okay, last year when we ran out of Paxo, it was a godsend Mr Aziz being open. And the mustard too. And batteries. But it’s still sickening double standards.