FILM makers think you’re breathlessly going ‘Wow!’ and ‘Awesome!’ at their amazing CGI. You’re not. Here are some we all just stare at blankly now:
Massive superhero falls
Superheroes fall incredible distances but they’re usually indestructible and you know Wonder Woman won’t be squished into a bloody paste or end up in a wheelchair. It’s really just a matter of waiting for them to hit the ground and the film to move on. Thrilling.
‘Wow! Arnie’s young again! It’s like the original Terminator!’ is not something you’ll be saying. ‘Maybe they should think of some new ideas for films’ is.
Bullshit car stunts
Just because you can make a car jump out of a cargo plane and land in a skyscraper doesn’t mean you have to. This nonsense is so commonplace now it would be more exciting to see Jason Statham brake sharply in a Ford Ka to avoid hitting a squirrel.
Wonderfully detailed exotic landscapes
Directors can finally show alien worlds and futuristic cities as they intended. But you’ve seen loads of ‘the making of’ CGI documentaries, so you just start thinking about computer nerds spending a year getting a leaf just right while the film’s plot, characters and message are all shit.
Films used to be limited by the hassle of using models. So now they overcompensate by putting more things on the screen than your puny organic brain can possibly process. Who doesn’t go to the cinema to feel as if someone’s vomiting TIE fighters on you?
Epic superhero fights
It’s brilliant that powerful superheroes can finally have realistic fights, instead of just Terence Stamp looking camp on some wires. It’s also realistic that the fights would go on for ages. Unfortunately you start to feel as knackered as General Zod after being thrown through the 20th building.