Five cliches that never actually happen at office Christmas parties

OFFICE Christmas parties are mundane procedures devoid of fun, famous for debauched antics that never, ever happen in real life: 

Arse photocopying

Somehow photocopying reams of paper with an image of a bum is accepted as a given, even though you’d be fired on the spot the second you were found with your sweaty buttocks pressed against the glass. Plus as any office worker knows, photocopying is never straightforward. You’d have to get Janice who sits near it to help.

A fumble in the supply cupboard

Snogging your office crush under the mistletoe and popping to the supply cupboard for a quick grope is a workplace fantasy that is never realised. Because they don’t fancy you and because the supply cupboard’s firmly locked.

A triumphant confrontation with your boss

After cashing in both their free beer tokens, every employee plans to use that Dutch courage to tell their boss what they really think of them. In reality a few free drinks and your pathetic loyalty is bought for another year. Instead, you’ll bitch on emails that will eventually be used as leverage by HR during a restructuring process.

The blossoming of the office wallflower

For the last year you’ve made no impression as you timidly go about your boring duties. All that will change at the Christmas party though as you take of your glasses and tear up the dance floor, right? No. Instead, you’ll be ignored and the next day you’ll be asked why you weren’t there.

Anyone having the faintest glimmer of fun

Even if your company books a fancy venue and hires fire-breathing acrobats, the office Christmas party will still be a painfully uncomfortable evening full of people who would rather be anywhere else. If they want to reward you they should gift you a Domino’s voucher and let you stay at home, alone.

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Five movies with unexpected sex scenes to ruin family film night

YOU’VE settled in for a classic with the kids only to be confronted with an excruciating, lengthy f**kfest you’d forgotten about. These movies hide their sexy secrets: 

Grease (1978)

Grease is a PG movie of catchy songs, 40-year-old teenagers, true love and and, of course, Rizzo and Kenickie discovering his rubber’s broken and having unprotected sex, followed by pregnancy. Be ready to explain why Rizzo’s so jubilant at the end.

Ghostbusters (1984)

A beloved classic that you’re sure will delight your kids, until the scene where Dan Aykroyd receives a blowjob from a spectre. A subtle and well-timed fast forward should save you any awkward conversations apart from the ones about why everyone’s always smoking.

Love Actually (2003)

For whatever reason, the nude stand-in scenes with Martin Freeman and Joanna Page don’t stick in the mind like Hugh Grant dancing around Downing Street or Emma Thompson weeping. But they’re there, they’re awkward and they run through the whole movie.

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

The sequel doesn’t live up to the original, but it does feature a completely out-of-place slow-motion rave orgy that will stun you and the children you’re watching it with into silence. And like all the best incongruous sex scenes, it has no relevance at all to the plot.

Bridesmaids (2011)

The kids are verging on teenagers, they’re not totally naive, you’ve remembered the diarrhoea scene and you’re convinced you’ll all find it hilarious together. So you turn it on and the first five minutes Kristen Wiig and Jon Hamm going at it. And not in a ‘sometimes, when two people love each other very much’ way. Just f**king.