IT’S weird how some songs are hailed as classics when their slung-together, senseless lyrics would put a five-year-old to shame. Like these piles of mumbo jumbo…
Space Oddity, David Bowie
All Bowie’s lyrics are bollocks, but this hastily-crafted spaceman ditty is up there with the worst offenders. ‘And I think my spaceship knows which way to go’ – er, you’d hope so. As for ‘Planet Earth is blue/ And there’s nothing I can do’, you can only assume Mrs Bowie was putting the tea on the table and it needed wrapping up quickly with any old shite before Dave’s egg and chips got cold.
A Whiter Shade of Pale, Procol Harum
When your band name is pretentious gobbledegook it’s a fair bet the lyrics will follow suit. The opening ‘We skipped the light fandango’ confirms your worst fears, then it’s ‘One of 16 vestal virgins/ Who were leaving for the coast/ And although my eyes were open/ They might have just as well been closed’. You what? Allegedly it’s an account of a drunk, drug-fuelled sexual encounter that somehow went wrong, though it’s so confusing it may as well have been written in Klingon.
I Drove All Night, Roy Orbison
‘I drove all night, crept in your room/ Woke you from your sleep to make love to you/ Is that alright?’ Not really, you sound like a f**king stalker. It’s definitely less romantic if you state plainly what happened: ‘I was so desperate to get my leg over I went on a stupidly long car journey. Yeah, 10 hours, no kidding. Now stop yawning and give me a blowie.’ Also a more realistic ending would be: ‘I fell asleep while irresponsibly night-driving without regular rest breaks, hit a tree and now I’m dead.’
I Am the Walrus, The Beatles
‘I am he as you are he as you are me/ And we are all together/ See how they run like pigs from a gun/ See how they fly/ I’m crying’. You’re not alone, John. Deciphering this gibberish would reduce anyone to tears. Among many other issues, is the average pig sufficiently familiar with firearms to fear them? The opening notes were apparently inspired by Lennon hearing a passing police siren. If they’d only stopped and done him for Class As we could have been spared this lyrical horseshit.
Why Can’t This Be Love, Van Halen
Notorious for ‘Only time will tell if we stand the test of time’. Terrible lyric, but the logic is watertight. Eddie might also have pointed out truisms are true, just to hammer home the point. It’s not just that line that’s rubbish, there’s also: ‘No, I can’t recall/ Anything at all/ Ah, baby, this blows ’em all away/ Woo!’ Yup, that’s definitely not a random collection of phrases that sound ‘rock’. Still, it’s big lyrical step forward from Jump, sample lyric: ‘Jump jump jump jump.’
Champagne Supernova, Oasis
It’s unlikely Oasis themselves know what a champagne supernova is, but they were so popular then Noel could have penned a tune about fellating the neighbour’s cat and it would have sold millions. ‘Cat Jizz Asteroid Belt’ perhaps? Famous for the clever-but-not-really line: ‘Slowly walkin’ down the hall/ Faster than a cannonball.’ It goes on to ask: ‘Where were you while we were getting high?’ Not defying the basic laws of physics for a start.
