A NEW set of financial rules will give banks the freedom to trash the economy beyond repair again, it has been announced.
The overhaul of regulations will do away with pesky things like red tape and accountability, laying the groundwork for a 2008-style financial apocalypse that banks will ultimately profit from.
Chancellor Jeremy Hunt said: “Why the confusion and dread? Rolling the dice with your life savings is precisely what you lot voted for in 2016. So you’ve only got yourselves to blame when it inevitably goes tits up.
“Look, banks have learnt their lesson from 2008. You’d have to be a monster with a heart of stone to look in their big, glistening doe-eyes as they say they’re really, really sorry and not be moved to tears. I felt so sad I just had to remove the cap on their bonuses.
“By saying meaningless buzzwords like ‘turbocharge growth’ and ‘post-Brexit freedom’ again and again I will jump-start the economy, boost investment and level up the country.
“Don’t ask me how but it’ll definitely work. Not that it matters. If it turns into a horrific f**k-up again you’ll bail us out. Thanks in advance.
“This has absolutely nothing to do with top bankers being close mates and funders of the Tory party. I’m offended you could even think such a nasty thing.”
