Shopping centre Santa mostly using job to hook up with single mums

A MAN employed as Santa Claus in a shopping centre only took the job to shag single mothers, he has admitted.

Believing it would be the perfect opportunity for sex with lone parents, Stephen Malley, 47, applied for the role at an underwhelming grotto in Croydon, quickly racking up the record number of complaints for a UK-based Santa impersonator.

Describing his motives, Malley said: “Some of the ladies might initially question why they’d want to shag a man with only unreliable, seasonal employment as Father Christmas, who sleeps in his car.

“But when they see how good I am with their shitty children, they’ll be putty in my hands. Instead of calling me ‘Saint Nick’, these honeys will call me ‘Saint Dick’. This Santa will be knee-deep in poontang all Christmas.”

Mum Susan Traherne said: “The man asked my son, Oscar, what he wanted for Christmas this year. Then he winked at me in a sleazy way.

“He smelt of stale cider and there were cigarette burns on his red trousers. Santa’s for the kiddies, I don’t think he should be asking women if there’s ‘a bloke on the scene’. Then he said something about wanting to come down my chimney. 

“Naturally I asked for a refund. And for Santa to be reported to the police.”

As he was escorted from the shopping centre by security, Malley said: “Luckily I put my phone number in the cheapo gifts I gave to the kids of the hottest ones. 

“Santa’s definitely going to be emptying his sack before long, if you catch my drift.”

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LBC show, bad investments, breakdown, Captain Hook in panto: Matt Hancock's next five years

I’M A Celebrity runner-up Matt Hancock will step down as an MP at the next election. What does the future hold for the man whose only crime was loving too much? Apart from killing people in care homes.

2023 – LBC show

Matt rebrands himself as ‘Matthew’ Hancock for a drivetime slot on LBC. However instead of hard-hitting political discourse, every call is just someone taking the piss. Showing his usual level of competence, Hancock plays Stormzy and Sam Fender on a talk radio show. He starts dressing like Roman Kemp and thinks a move to Radio 1 is assured. It’s not. He’s sacked.

2024 – The lure of TV

Hancock naturally cannot resist a humiliating appearance on Have I Got News for You?, where Paul Merton calls him a twat for 30 minutes while he grins pathetically.

Within a year he churns out appearances on Celebrity Bake Off, Celebrity Masterchef, Celebrity Coach Trip, Celebrity Bargain Hunt and – after he’s dumped by his partner Gina – Celebs Go Dating. The voiceover refers to him as ‘Matt Hands on his Cock’ for the entire eight-week run.

Matt tries to negotiate himself a £400,000 pay day to be on Drag Race UK. He fails. A tape of him in drag as ‘Pfizer Minelli’ is sold to the tabloids. A shitstorm ensues.

2025 – Bad investments

Buoyed by the reaction to singing Don’t Stop Me Now at the Tory conference, Hancock releases a compilation of soft rock covers. He nepotistically gives his mate the contract to press 100 million CDs, even though no one uses CDs anymore. Suddenly he is on the verge of bankruptcy.

Next he launches a men’s fragrance called ‘Redemption by Matt Hancock’. He self-finances ads in the only publications he’s heard of: The Spectator, The Times and The Lancet. He ploughs his last remaining cash into a ‘naughty politician’-themed bar in Tenerife called Bum Grabbers. He knows nothing about running a bar, much like his time at the NHS. It’s closed in a week.

2026 – Mental breakdown

Broke and out of options, Hancock goes back to what he knows: politics. Shunned by the Tories he is forced to stand as the I’m Alright Once You Get to Know Me Party. The last straw is when he gets just 17 votes and loses his deposit. His mental health deteriorates.

Finally when a dishevelled, bearded Hancock is spotted wandering through London’s parks drinking a carton of Ribena and screaming ‘Maintain two metres social distance’ he is taken away for psychiatric treatment.

2027 – Captain Hook in panto

A refreshed Hancock pops up after a year away from public life. He’s signed up for regional panto, and wanted to be Peter Pan but the producers felt he was more suited to being a villain. Also he didn’t have the star power of Vicki Michelle from ‘Allo ‘Allo!

Reviews are mixed. The Ipswich Mercury calls him ‘very believable as an utter shitbag’. However the plaudits go to the more measured, nuanced performance of Tinkerbell, played, much to Hancock’s embarrassment, by Professor Chris Witty.