York does not belong in Yorkshire, Northerners confirm

THE city of York is poncey, up its own arse, and makes the rest of Yorkshire look silly, real Northerners have confirmed.

With plenty of down-to-earth, no nonsense places like Huddersfield or Ripon to choose from, those from the area say York should be kicked out of the county altogether.

Roy Hobbs, from Brighouse, said: “York thinks it’s so special with its la-di-da minster and multiple Harry Potter shops, but any right-thinking Yorkshireman knows it secretly fancies itself as a southern city, which should be a crime against humanity.

“Everything there costs a fortune. If there’s one thing us northerners are known for it’s being tightfisted bastards with chips on our shoulders, and the fact that York welcomes tourists and their money offends our sense of parochial misery.

“And it’s not just York. Did you know Leeds has a Harvey Nichols now? And don’t get me started on Harrogate and its highfalutin spa. Give me a proper place like Bradford any day. That’s got all the properties of a real Northern town: run down, depressing and full of pound shops.

“If it was up to me, York would be bombed into dust. Unfortunately my wife loves the year-round Christmas shop so I’ve just got to put up with it.”

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One last miners' strike, nostalgic Tories decide

A WISTFUL Conservative party has decided to indulge in one last miners’ strike for old times’ sake.

By opening a coal mine in Cumbria, the government hopes to relive the heady glory days of the Thatcher era when the police could twat picketing workers in the face with truncheons.

Communities secretary Michael Gove said: “I don’t care about generating jobs or harming the environment. I just want to see Northern plebeians charged at by mounted officers. It makes me feel all tingly inside.

“I and my constituents yearn for those good old days. These modern strikes aren’t the same. There aren’t crowds of people throwing bricks at each other like you used to get in proper industrial action. So let’s bring it back for one last hurrah before the idiot public finally boots us out.

“It’ll have something for everyone. Old-timers who remember miners’ strikes from the first time round will get a nostalgic rush, and youngsters will dig its retro charm in the same way they got into Kate Bush via Stranger Things.

“Okay, the miners will ultimately get a raw deal, but that’s kind of the point. We’ve got to remain faithful to the source material by not giving a f**k about them.”