Royal family explodes in flames

KING Charles has exploded, the Prince of Wales is on fire and Prince George has been declared a biohazard after the release of Harry and Meghan’s documentary.

Fire crews are at Clarence House hosing down the remains of Charles in the hope he can be rebuilt, but are struggling to extinguish the conflagration. The Queen Consort is said to be belching smoke but under control.

Meanwhile at Kensington Palace the Prince of Wales continues to burn, containment shields around the Princess of Wales are failing, and Prince George has been roped off awaiting specialists in hazmat gear.

A Palace insider said: “Last night we were saying, ‘How incendiary can one documentary be?’ Today we had the answer.

“The combination of personal photographs, mild criticism and minor-key piano music hit Charles like a bomb. A whole wing of the building has been vapourised. What’s left is a raging inferno.

“William was seen staggering through his home exuding fire, rolling on the floor to put it out and melting the very stone to lava. His wife’s suffered a nuclear meltdown and George is now so toxic anything within 500 feet of him dies.

“The Royal family’s over, killed by the self-serving crocodile tears of an American actress. If only we’d listened to the Daily Mail and had her killed.”

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Eight unhelpful comments to make when someone is ill this winter

HAVE you come down with some cold weather lurgy, probably a cold or flu? It’s 100 per cent guaranteed that friends and family will have a plentiful supply of bollocks to make you feel worse.

‘You need to sweat it out’

Hang on, Dr Victorian Times. You’ve got a horrible cold, not Lassa fever. You’re not hallucinating rats eating your fingers just yet. If you want to make yourself useful, put the cartoon channel on and make me a Lemsip. And no, I won’t need some bloodletting, thanks.

‘Better to have it now than at Christmas’

Technically true, but a better outcome would be not feeling like shit now OR on Christmas Day. It’s like your true love saying: ‘I’ve met someone better than you – especially at sex – and I’m leaving you. What’s the problem? I told you just now, not on your birthday.’

‘Hot lemon and honey is what you need’

Every f**kwit recommends this because some other f**kwit said it to them. You’ve got a splitting migraine and your bones are aching like they’re dissolving in acid. You don’t need a nasty lemon drink, you need an injection of battlefield morphine.

‘Exercise strengthens your immune system’

It does, but what this person meant to say is: ‘I work out and I’m not a pathetic weakling with flu like you.’ Tell you what, I’ll go for a six-mile run right now, with this suffocating cough and the energy levels of a dead mouse. I’ll pass out and injure myself, but anything to appease your fitness fascism, you smug twat. By the way, when you come down with flu because exercise can’t stop a virus really, I’ll be fully recovered and pissing myself with laughter.

‘There’s a lot of it going round’

You’ve become a qualified virologist since we last met, have you Auntie Pam? Of course there’s a virus on the loose – you’ve f**king got it. If she’d lived in 1348 she’d have been telling plague victims there’s ‘something going round’ as their nose fell off and they gave a final death rattle.

‘Is it the Covid?’

Probably not, but thanks for introducing that element of paranoia. Now you can enjoy shivering and coughing while scaring yourself shitless because you’re physically and psychologically weakened and your depressed brain thinks you’ll die alone and forgotten on a ventilator.

‘It might be bird flu’

Bird flu in humans is incredibly rare. So it’s not that. This is usually said by a blabbermouth who lives by the maxim, ‘If you’ve got nothing worth saying, babble on witlessly anyway.’ Obviously you should heed their warning and check you’re not turning into a chicken.

‘You need to sleep it off’

This may be the only remedy. However this has already occurred to you as a treatment option because you can’t get out of f**king bed without wanting to throw up. Thanks for all the useful advice, twats.