ARE you due to become a Tory peer, probably after giving them a lot of money? You’ll need a title for your new role, in which you get a large allowance and subsidised meals to help you feather your nest.
Since it’s made up, let your imagination roam free with these suggestions for your new grifting name.
Old family pet name + favourite sexual position
A chance to honour a dead pet and express the sexual you. Possibilities: Lord Rufus of Prone, Lady Tigger of Anal, Lord Rover of Sandwich.
Favourite drink + favourite Carry On actors
We’re all fond of a tipple and Carry On films so why not become them? Possibilities: Lord Beer of Hawtrey, Lady Babycham of Jacques, Lady Scrumpy Jack of Windsor.
Street you grew up in + favourite drug
A respectful nod to both your past and preferred illegal high. Possibilities: Lord Bramley Road of Gak, Lady Cul-De-Sac of Ecstasy, Lord High Street of Skunk.
Favourite kids’ TV programme + most shameful fantasy
Charming nostalgia coupled with your warped sexual urges. Possibilities: Lord Playschool of Feltz, Lady Clangers of Hancock-In-The-Rear, Lord Bagpuss of School Uniforms.
Favourite confectionery + place you lost your virginity
Mediocre chocolate bars are part of our national identity, and where you popped the cherry is part of your personal one. Possibilities: Lady Marsbar of Carpark, Lady Bounty of Pew, Lord Twix of Notyethappened.
Memorable childhood Christmas present + most common noise or phrase while lovemaking
Childhood and adulthood combined in one unhealthy title. Possibilities: Lady Monopoly of Yesyesyesyesyes, Lord Lego of Jawohl Mein Fuhrer, Lady Mariocart of Don’t Worry, It Happens.