YOU wouldn’t want to listen to Ed Sheeran whether he’s embroiled in a controversy about Palestine or not. Here are six more reasons you can give for pretending you’re cancelling him.
He uses endangered guitar picks
It’s a closely-guarded secret that Sheeran insists on his plectrums being made from parts of endangered species, with a particular preference for their genitals. His 2023 tour was responsible for seven different types of dolphin becoming extinct, hence it being known as ‘The Subtract Tour’.
He made Wagon Wheels smaller
Sheeran’s father was head of Wagon Wheel research and development at Burton’s Biscuits when the singer was a toddler. He was startled one day when he looked up and saw his son’s gingery head obscured by the mallow and biscuit treat like a chocolatey solar eclipse. He began work on reducing its size the very next day.
He confuses specific and pacific
Sheeran uses the word ‘pacific’ when he means ‘specific’, despite having been told on numerous occasions that he is saying it wrong. It’s not a genuine speech problem and he often goads underlings by using the word incorrectly then making them repeat back what he just said. Anyone correcting him is fired on the spot and told to read ‘the pacific wording of your contract’.
The Boston Incident
The Boston Incident has become so infamous that people no longer need to specify what actually happened or even whether it took place in the US Boston or the original one in the arse end of nowhere. The highly litigious singer refuses to allow any public discussion of the Boston Incident or how long it took to clean up afterwards.
He hates The Princess Bride
Ed Sheeran cannot stand the film The Princess Bride and will tell anybody who stands still long enough why it isn’t funny, goes on for too long and the soundtrack is rubbish. ‘The special effects are terrible when you compare them to a great film like Jurassic World Dominion,’ he will insist, the twat.
Ipswich Town FC
Everybody agrees Ipswich Town FC is a terrible idea, not least their actual fans who often describe supporting their team as being like watching dry paint remain dry. But a huge injection of money from the singer has compelled the club to keep going and even get promoted, forcing far more people to experience Ipswich Town against their will. Sheeran, a known sadist, enjoys this.
