Subscribe

How to do nitrous while driving your Lamborghini Urus down the M3, but safely. By Raheem Sterling

HEY kids. I’m a role model to you, and I admit I f**ked up. So don’t be like me. When you’re gunning your Lambo down the motorway on laughing gas, do it safely. 

Inhale at junctions

It’s fine to inhale nitrous oxide and drive, because it just makes you laugh! It’s just laughter and good times like you’re in a car with friends, not entirely alone and without a football club. But the balloon can get in the way of your vision, so wait until the lights or, on the motorway, a straight stretch. Think of others!

Employ cruise control

The Lamborghini Urus is flagship so already comes tricked out with all the options. To stop yourself worrying about your speed, simply set cruise control and let the pedals look after themselves while you worry about steering and getting another lungful of giggle gas!

Use the whole road

Once you’re a few whippets in, your perceptions will expand. As a gifted footballer I saw the whole pitch, nipping into pockets of space to score, and as a talented driver I’m the same. Central reservation? Lay-by? It’s all road to the committed man and his quarter-of-a-million sports car! Though I didn’t see the shit in the lay-by I crashed into, check for that.

Remember not everyone’s in on the joke

While you’re pissing yourself racing along at 80mph, breaking into new fits of laughter every time you almost hit a Kia Ceed, keep in mind that your judgement may be impaired. Other drivers, due to sense of humour failure or lack of nitrous, may take it rather too seriously. Sad for them obviously, but be kind.

Offer the police a balloon

Finally, when the police pull you over, don’t make my mistake. I was so concerned about where my next huff would come from I forgot to be generous! Offer your PC a pull and soon he’ll be laughing along with you, and will let you off with a caution and a cheery wave! So next time you’re driving your Lambo on laughing gas, do what I didn’t.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Britain in no place to sneer at village's stupid separatist referendum

THOSE mocking the idiotic Piddington referendum that will achieve nothing have been reminded this is a bit rich coming from Britain. 

While it is easy to laugh at an Oxfordshire village’s pathetic publicity stunt of an independence referendum, which will tarnish its reputation for generations to come, it is also easy to compare it to a similar decision made by the nation ten years ago.

Piddington resident Julian Cook said: “Going it alone as a village of 350 people might seem ludicrous – if not suicidal – to the rest of the country. But to that we say: pot, kettle.

“How can you criticise us for being plucky underdogs who are daring to challenge the democratic process? You guys love that shit. A principled, moronic decision made with a strong undercurrent of racism? We’d crush it in the polls.

“No, we wouldn’t be able to support ourselves economically if we left Britain. Yes, we’d need passports and customs checks to do the big shop. Absolutely we’d pay far more for essential services and all be poorer. But as above, so below.

“If the roaring success of Brexit has taught us anything, it’s that you don’t need to sweat the details. If you wing it, everything will work out fine. It’s all sunlit uplands from here.”

Remain voter Hannah Tomlinson said: “Do they have to be so obnoxiously brash about their decision? 26 people voted no, and their feelings should be respected too.”

Next story ›