IF not for all the pissing about, these shows could be quick, clean and dispatched in the space of one drink:
Strictly Come Dancing, BBC1
Ten dances, no judges, no presenters, no interviews. All the fat boiled off to nothing more than uncut dancing where half of each couple is theoretically famous. Squared away in 20 minutes with the losers announced in voiceover during the credits. That’s what the public wants.
Antiques Roadshow, BBC1
‘It’s a clock. About 300 years old. Doesn’t work. Has some gold on. Worth £3,500.’ ‘Are you surprised?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Are you going to sell it?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Okay, thanks. Take it and move on. Next!’
Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares USA, ITV1
Cut all repeated footage. Cut all the bits where people in the repeated footage give their reactions to the repeated footage. Cut all sections that are obviously staged, rehearsed or where Ramsey spouts cruel insults written beforehand. Keep the ad breaks in or no way will it make 20 minutes.
The news, all channels
Four bulletins a day, half an hour each? Wasting everyone’s time. A single 20-minute news round-up on a Sunday evening could give you all the key events and save everyone hours of worry. If something actually important happened they could break into proper telly to inform you, as they do anyway.
Loose Women, ITV1
Go straight to the end of the drinking-at-lunchtime hen party. Open on the women in question staggering around, hammered, slurring ‘whose wine is this? F**k it, it’s mine now’ while complaining furiously and incoherently about the men in their lives. Carole Malone shouts ‘send them all back’ while falling off a stool.
The Great British Bake Off, Channel 4
Show us the cakes. Tell us if the cakes are good. Tell us who baked the best cake. There’s no need for process, peril or personalities. Whether a person is nice has no relation to whether they can bake a good cake. Award the prize to a cake.