Match of the Day to be on Ceefax

TONIGHT’S Match of the Day will be broadcast via live Ceefax updates, the BBC has announced. 

Following the withdrawal of all presenters, commentators, technicians, and unpaid interns from BBC football coverage, this evening’s highlights will be broadcast in the format of coloured text on a black background.

Director general Tim Davie, taking a brief break from posting in Tory WhatsApp groups, said: “For many years, the public enjoyed the thrilling experiences of matches on Ceefax. Now they’re back.

“All the best bits of today’s matches will be shown across two exciting pages under a vibrant blue-and-green blocky text logo.

“Cheer in triumph as Tottenham’s result is updated to 1-0, with the scorer coming when somebody’s typed it in on a BBC Micro 400 miles away. Groan in defeat as Brighton score a late winner and the number changes.

“It was good enough for millions of us for decades, so it’s good enough for Britain today. We have definitely made the right decision and I will not have to resign.

“That’s Match of the Day, live tonight on page 302. Thank you.”

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Calling it 'plonk', and other twee ways to disguise your dependency on alcohol

WANT to make your worrying thirst for booze seem harmless? Try these socially acceptable ways.

Calling it ‘plonk’

Pet names for alcohol make it sound like it’s cute, rather than an emotional crutch that you can’t function without. As well as ‘plonk’, you could try ‘cheeky vino’ or ‘tipple’. It’ll sound much better when explaining to your other half why you reek of booze on a weekday afternoon.

Going for bottomless brunch

What fun to meet your friends for a weekly catch-up. No yummy mummy bats an eyelid when mimosas are included with the courgette fritters or shakshuka, and being hammered at 11am is absolutely fine if you’re in a cafe and can claim it’s ‘hair of the dog’ and not a deeply ingrained need for alcohol.

Using a wine app

Having a wine app means you can read the tasting notes of each of bottle during the time you spend lovingly wandering the length of the booze aisle at Waitrose. It’s all about using technology to make an informed choice and absolutely not to cover up the fact you’re a very middle-class alcoholic.

Giving yourself ‘a little reward’

It’s been a long week, you tell yourself at 4.37pm on a Tuesday, you deserve a little pick-me-up. You use this reason to convince a colleague to go with you for a ‘swift half’ after work, which is how you find yourself vomiting on his living room carpet at 5am on Wednesday morning and wishing you were dead.

Hosting a dinner party

No one gives a toss about the dinner, these events are all about the booze. As host you have to make sure there is a selection of different wines on hand, and your guests will definitely bring a bottle each as well. Once you’ve necked all that, you can reasonably suggest port, brandy, limoncello or whatever other weird shit is languishing at the back of the cupboard, until you’re all plastered. That’s just being the sophisticated bon vivant that you are.