Teenage couple celebrate one-month anniversary with cans of cider on the swings

A TEENAGE couple have marked their first month together by necking Strongbow in a playground.

James Bates and Lucy Parry, 15, decided to celebrate being in a relationship for four entire weeks without breaking up by drinking cans of warm cider in their local park.

Bates said: “It’s a massive milestone. We’ve had some rocky moments during our time together, of course, like when Lucy sat beside that prick Oliver during science instead of me. But every long-term couple has issues.

“And now I think our relationship – which mainly consists of sitting silently beside each other on the bus to school, and intermittent non-French kissing – is stronger than ever.”

Parry added: “It takes a lot of hard work to maintain a healthy partnership. I’ve known so many great couples who you thought would be together forever but broke up after six days. But we strive to keep the spark alive.

“James is so romantic, he even opened this can for me. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather sit on a swing with, on the verge of developing hypothermia.”

Asked their plans for the rest of the evening, James said: “The usual: finish three-and-a-half cans each then be sick down the slide.”

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Younger generation can only be such censorious little shits because they've got pornography

YOUNG people demanding all exploitative sexual content be removed from the world can afford to be moralistic because they have infinite porn in their pockets.

Under-25s horrified at tits in newspapers and sex scenes in films have been advised that pre-internet that was how you saw tits and found out how sex worked.

Helen Archer of Leamington Spa said: “Oh, I’m sorry, is a whole generation of frequent, casual porn users offended?

“You’re sitting in judgement on us? You visit Pornhub on your phone to wake yourselves up in the morning, then blast older generations for their disgusting lust for brief sex scenes in mainstream rom-coms?

“That’s the luxury of having hardcore shagging available 24/7. I get it. I couldn’t understand why 70s people watched Confessions of A Driving Instructor in cinemas when I was your twattish age.

“But just because you think there’s a time and place for filth, and it’s wherever and whenever you f**king want, doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t enjoy a nice bit of carefully-shot shagging in the middle of The Singing Detective. Wank off with your high morals.”

Hannah Tomlinson, aged 18, said: “The olds are just sexually depraved, that’s the only answer. Ooh, there’s a new post on one of my OnlyFans subs.”