Six piss-take songs bands had to keep performing when they became popular

BANDS love to make jokey songs that no one will take seriously, right? However these tracks made the fatal mistake of being beloved by the masses. 

Aphex Twin – Come to Daddy 

Thanks to his reputation, anything Richard D. James cranks out is regarded as the height of artistic achievement. Come to Daddy was written as a joke while he was smashed out of his mind, and thanks to a haunting video it climbed the charts far better than he expected. He might have promptly pulled it from circulation, but his fanbase of pilled-up twats ensures he’s chained to it forever.

Beck – Loser 

Beck’s gibberish lyrics can be forgiven considering they are an improvised rap, but the slide guitars are too deliberately annoying to be overlooked. And after building a very decent song around a joke, he undercuts the humour even further by demonstrating his proficiency on the sitar. The fact that he’s been laughing all the way to the bank with this song for decades must be some consolation though.

Blur – Song 2

Post-grunge was crap. Blur knew that, and decided to take the piss with a punchy track aimed at mouth breathers who lapped that shit up. Unfortunately for them, Song 2 would come to be Blur’s defining anthem and Damon Albarn would be locked into whooping like a moron over distorted guitars at every gig. Still, it’s mercifully short and better than Country House.

Kings of Leon – Sex On Fire

Originally titled Set Us on Fire until a sound mixer came up with a better name, this anthem for horny youth was inescapable during the summer of 2008. Other joke titles included Socks on Fire, Snatch on Fire, and Cocks on Fire, until the band presumably decided to stop kidding around, settle on the most commercially viable idea, then make a shitload of money by recording a song they have grown to hate.

R.E.M. – Stand

Making a statement via catchy bubblegum pop is a gamble because people might prefer it to your usual, more heart-wrenching songs. That’s the lesson R.E.M. almost learned when they put out this cheery hit in the style of The Banana Splits. Except they followed it up with Shiny Happy People shortly afterwards, and were apparently so proud of it that they only performed it live once. Thank God.

Stealers Wheel – Stuck In the Middle With You

Mimicking the dulcet, nasal tones of Bob Dylan is a risk, but it paid off all too well for the jammy Scottish duo. Gerry Rafferty’s biblical allusions didn’t exactly ring true as this was a parody song about the music industry they had obviously recently left. If they’d been around today, who knows who they might have aped. Axl Rose? Adele? The mind boggles.

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£150 champagne: The top 10 must-buy passive aggressive gifts

BEEN wronged by someone but don’t know how to exact your petty vengeance? Get back at them with these emotionally manipulative gifts.

Massive bouquet of flowers

Did your partner think you weren’t bothering with gifts this anniversary? Oh dear. That means the massive bouquet of flowers you’ve got them will burden them with guilt. Not to mention the return flights to Seville in the accompanying envelope. That should send a message that you’re furious about them never doing the washing-up.

£150 bottle of champagne

Has your best friend forgotten your birthday? Big mistake. When theirs rolls around they’ll be getting a vintage bottle of Dom Perignon. It’s so nice they’ll be forced to Google the price then be too terrified to ever drink it. Serves them right, too. The forgetful twat.

Homeless charity donation

Been invited to the housewarming of a smug, more financially secure friend? Take the shine off their new eight-bedroom country pile by arriving with a donation you’ve made in their name to a homelessness charity. ‘Just think, you could have put them up in here,’ you can muse for extra hostility.

Flashy designer watch

Don’t sweat it if you’ve been overlooked for promotion for the fifth year in a row. When the office Secret Santa comes around, treat whoever climbed the company ladder to a timepiece well beyond your budget and agreed spending limit. ‘At least now you might get to work on time,’ you can joke, menacingly.

Cold, hard cash

Been invited to the wedding of a friend who failed to turn up to yours a decade ago? Show them that you’ve moved on by bringing along a wedding gift of £200 in fresh, crisp bundles of tenners. That should help the happy couple get their new life off to an uneasy start.

A personal trainer

You can’t call your partner a fat lazy shit to their face. Not even if they’ve left a permanent arse print in the sofa. With a bit of lateral thinking though you can still get the point across by hiring them their own personal trainer. If that sounds like too much of an investment, a new Fitbit or signing them up for a Tough Mudder will have the same effect.

Driving lessons

Tired of picking up your adult son from the train station? Gently remind them that they can ferry themselves around by gifting them 20 hours of driving lessons. They can pay for the theory and practical tests themselves though, you’re not made of money.

Fortnum & Mason hamper

Perfect if your mum made a snide comment about the quality of her last birthday or Mother’s Day gift. Sorry that set of lotions from the Body Shop wasn’t good enough, here, have this ridiculously lavish basket of gourmet food instead. Arguably it’s the least she deserves for raising you, but that’s beside the point. The pheasant and orange pate will taste of nothing but guilt.

Cordless Dyson

Far too flash an appliance to be anything other than a coded message. This doesn’t say ‘you only deserve the best because you have an amazing lifestyle’. No. Instead it screams ‘you live in a f**king sty so get your shit together for the love of God’. But thanks to the nature of passive-aggression, they’ll have to accept it with a smile. Win-win.

Hot stone massage

One to disgust the other parents at the school gates, this. They’ll look like right twats as they offer up pathetic boxes of chocolates to the head of Year 3, meanwhile you’ve blown them out of the water with a full body spa treatment. That’ll teach them for making cutting remarks about your kid’s uniform and haircut.