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Woman who wants to leave night out will stay for another four hours

A WOMAN who is ready to go home from a night out will hang around for another four hours out of obligation, it has emerged.

Hannah Tomlinson has had her fill of barely being able to hear her friends over shitty club music and drinking ridiculously expensive cocktails, but will stay out for a further 240 minutes because calling it a night on her own terms would be too awkward.

She said: “My socialising batteries have completely run out and I’m contributing absolutely nothing to the fun. Best stay out until dawn and see where the evening takes me.

“Ideally I’d like to head home, grab some cheesy chips on the way, then have a wank in bed. You don’t always get what you want in life though. Sometimes you’ve got to hang out with your mates for way longer than you’re comfortable with. It’s harrowing.

“They’re not making it easy either. They’re saying I’m looking tired and are offering to call me an Uber, which is obviously reverse psychology bullshit. If I left now I’d be the subject of WhatsApp group bitching for months, so I’m in this for the long haul. Plus Lauren still owes me a drink.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I feel Lauren’s pain. If nobody else wants to leave a night out at the same time as you then you can’t slip away by yourself. It’s the law.”

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Boys' nights out vs girls' nights out: The massive dissimilarities

THE differences between boys’ nights out and girls’ nights out run much deeper than the effort they put into their wardrobes. These are the cavernous dissimilarities.

Banter

Banter is the engine that propels a boys’ night out. Without a witty back and forth, men would be forced to discuss their feelings and personal problems, which would bring the fun to a juddering halt. The standard formula of conversation goes: overblown heartiness, long silences where they try to think of another joke, alcohol, banter, repeat. If a girl called her friend a wanker on a night out it would quickly dissolve into screaming matches in the toilet and a lifelong grudge.

Conversations about the opposite sex

When women talk about romantic problems, her gal pals will quickly reassure her that she is a Queen and a unicorn and that she should know her worth. Not so with men. Blokes will never dry each other’s tears when they’ve been dumped and tell their fallen bro they’re so much better than that deadbeat skank anyway. Instead they’ll be treated to gales of laughter, a punch on the arm, and a reminder that they’ll probably die alone.

Fertility discussions

A girls’ night out should end when the conversation turns to ageing, fertility and doubts over whether their spouse is The One. This is the female equivalent of when men decide it’s a good time to start a fight with a bus shelter or tell their mates they’ve always loved them. In the unlikely event that a man talks about fertility, it’s in hushed, terrified tones and involves a split condom.

Selfies

The received wisdom is that real men do not take selfies. And rightly so. Nobody scrolls through social media hoping to see poorly lit photos of gormless men wearing Ben Sherman shirts. For women though, selfies are the whole point of the night out. Even if they spark tensions because Lauren thinks her forehead looks too big and she’s begging for the evidence to be deleted. It’s all part of the fun.

Pulling

When women brush away advancing suitors by saying they’re just having a girls’ night out, they mean it. The sanctity of the sisterhood is paramount, and no horny bloke is going to ruin their fun. Men on the other hand are constantly scanning the room like the T-800 for a potential conquest. Even the closest of guys will ditch each other in a heartbeat if there’s the faintest chance of getting laid.

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