Six types of nice people it's perfectly fine to hate

NICE people are pleasant enough, but their agreeable nature can also make them pissing annoying. That makes it totally okay to hate ones like these. 

The overly chirpy 

Far from lighting up every room they waft into, overly chirpy people reek of naivety and bring out your most cynical impulses. Counter a cheery platitude about the weather with a reminder that death comes to us all. Imagine their birthday party where no one turned up and they weepily ate cake alone. This didn’t happen because all their chirpy mates would have been there, full of boundless excitement, but it’s good for your own peace of mind.


Helping the elderly across the road and picking up litter is all well and good. In fact society would be better off if everyone was like this. But you can’t help but notice a tiny glint of self-satisfaction in their eye as they go about their virtuous deeds. Sorry, do-gooders, this cancels out all your admirable behaviour.


Generously giving money to those in need is an admirable thing to do. However it’s somewhat less impressive if the benefactor is f**king loaded and could totally splash out a lot more. You’d happily have a hospital wing named after you if you had a couple of million to spare, or at least that’s what you tell yourself as you decline to make a charitable donation of 20p at the Asda checkout.

Bake sale kids 

People younger than you have no business doing anything worthy. They should be making stupid TikTok dances and reinforcing your prejudices. It’s not like anyone will call them out if their cakes or biscuits are shit anyway. Instead you have to fork out money, shovel down whatever charred goods they’re selling, then congratulate them. Talk about getting a free pass.

Wellness practitioners 

Though the fitness instructors of the world may seem to have your best interests at heart, the level of giddy enthusiasm on which they operate is completely unacceptable. Every yoga session is an endurance test of how many times you can be told to ‘hold space for yourself’, inevitably ending in your decision to never return and live with your back pain forever.

Charity shop volunteers 

These bastards know they automatically have the moral high ground, and they use this to provide the worst customer service imaginable. You can’t get mad at them though as they sullenly ring up your order. Imagine the optics. You, a dour-faced bastard, letting rip at a sweet old lady giving up her time for free. Keep the hate to yourself then let it out on safe targets like carol singers.

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Wanking, rifling through drawers, and other things you shouldn't do while house sitting

LOOKING after someone’s house while they’re away on holiday? Refrain from doing these things which are bound to backfire.


Far too risky. You don’t know which devices in their home have cameras in them. Your hosts could be monitoring you from their holiday cottage, waiting to catch you in the act and hold you to ransom. And if you do succumb to your impulses, your PornHub searches will be recorded in their Wifi history forever. Go ahead if they have a teenage son, you can blame it on him.

Drink their wine

You’ve had a long hard day of sitting on someone else’s furniture and eating their food, so you deserve a break. Resist the urge to knock back the contents of their wine cellar though. All it takes is one particularly vintage bottle to be opened, and suddenly your act of generosity has left you thousands of pounds in the hole. You probably won’t be asked to house sit next year either.

Watch a horror film

There’s a time and a place to watch horror films. That place is not in someone else’s house. In the dark. When you’re alone. The Grudge isn’t even particularly scary, but once Sarah Michelle Gellar’s ineffable charm has worn off, you’ll be convinced there’s a pale-faced ghost child lurking in the attic. Stick on Lilo & Stitch instead. It’s on Disney+ and it still holds up really well.

Rifle through their drawers

What are you hoping to find here? Compromising financial details? A dildo? Sordid letters from a secret lover? Never mind being unethical, it’s mainly just pathetic. Anyway, your hosts keep all the juicy shit in the inconspicuous shoe box under their bed, so save yourself time and look in there instead. It’s wild.

Throw a house party

Not because it will spiral madly out of control and devolve into a destructive orgy that winds up on the local news. That’s never going to happen because you barely have any friends, and they’re all too busy living their exciting lives while you sit in a house alone. The resulting existential angst will be too much to bear, so get an early night instead.