Buying something off Amazon: The six most dangerous activities according to your parents

NAVIGATING the modern world can be treacherous for many reasons. None of those reasons, however, are the ones your parents continuously warn you about, like these:

Buying something off Amazon

Online shopping has been around for decades and has many, many authentications to make sure it’s safe. They won’t convince your dad though, who saw something on Facebook about hackers stealing your card to buy drugs. Purchasing things from doorstep sellers is fine, though, despite the fact they’re obviously casing the joint for a burglary later.

Being vegan

Your parents are firmly of the belief that if a human being goes more than two consecutive days without eating some chicken, they will die. And don’t even begin to tell them about fortified plant milks, as your mum will get very worried about how on earth it can be possible to ‘milk’ a cashew nut and need to go for a lie down.

Sports they haven’t seen on telly

Football is fine, because famous people have played it and they seem alright. Rugby’s also safe because your dad likes it, despite the fact that players constantly end up with head injuries. Join a climbing gym though and you’re headed for certain death as far as your parents are concerned.

Going on a date from an app

Serial killers. Every last one. Who knew there were so many serial killers in the world, just waiting on a match? Your mum knew, and she will need proof of life every ten minutes if you are so utterly bloody stupid as to meet someone from a dating app, or she’ll turn up at the Slug and Lettuce all guns blazing.

Visiting a foreign city

Pickpockets and thugs don’t exist in this country, they exclusively roam the streets of any international city. And if you visit somewhere outside of Europe your parents are convinced they’ll never see you again, except on the news when you’re reported missing. They had a lovely holiday in Sydney, but that’s completely different for reasons you don’t want them to go into because they’ll sound a bit racist.

Not buying a house

Less of an activity, more of a lifestyle of chaos and fear. Every day you evade the property ladder is a day of financial ruin and a mortgage is much safer. Your parents don’t want to know that there is no way in hell you can get one unless they give you £50,000. They just want to make you feel bad about it.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Life not worth living without Wilko, says Britain

THE UK has agreed that if Wilko goes under then there will be nothing left worth living for on this pathetic, godforsaken island.

The budget homeware chain is the last bastion of hope and access to cheap crockery in the Britain, and if it collapses the country will slip into a new dark age from which it will never recover.

Regular customer Martin Bishop said: “Please don’t say Wilko might vanish from the high street. We lost Woolworths. Argos is moving online. It’s all we’ve got left.

“Take my house, take my car, heck, take the wife and kids. But please, leave me with an affordable place to buy pick ‘n’ mix and poor-quality garden furniture. Do you want me to get on my knees and beg? I’ll do it.”

Shopper Emma Bradford said: “What would be the point of getting out of bed in the morning knowing that Wilko isn’t there to brighten up my day with its inoffensive canvas prints? Besides heading off to step in front of a train, I can’t think of one.

“Sure, there are other stores selling laughably low thread count bedsheets like B&M and Poundland. But these would be unsatisfying substitutes to my one true love. My own, my precious, my Wilko.”