Horse faced posho or Red Wall Tory? Rate your social class by how long you leave your teabag in

TEA. Whether it’s high tea at Claridges or low tea in some ghastly greasy spoon, it’s the measure of how you rank in Britain. What does the length of time you leave your bag in say about you?

Ten minutes

You are the lowest, commonest troglodyte. You want your tea so strong it might challenge you to a fight just for looking at it. In fact, you often get a punch in first just in case.

Eight minutes

You are Red Wall, you are Northern, you’ll vote against your own interests just to annoy the beard-stroking whale-hugging lesbians in the ivory towers of Islington. But you can at least afford a microwave to reheat your tea after leaving it to sit that long.

Six minutes

You want a proper brew, but you also want to drink something that isn’t the colour and consistency of wet brick dust. You’re the type of person who still claims to be working class despite owning a MacBook and calling your daughter Sophie.

Four minutes

Ooh, get you now that you’ve moved down to London! You want your tea to taste of something while also having a pallor that suggests you’re sticking your little finger out as you drink it.

Two minutes

You’re turning into a right twat. Sometimes you even drink lapsang souchong, for Christ’s sake.

One minute

Okay, you’ve got an Aga, you own a horse and you’ve have never ventured further North than Watford.

Ten seconds

You are Camilla Parker-Bowles and you are basically drinking hot water. But you’re so inbred that your tastebuds don’t function so you haven’t actually noticed.

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Knightmare contestants, and other people whose lives peaked in childhood

THEY were the envy of the whole school when they were twelve, but for these people life was all downhill from that point:

The kid who went on Knightmare

Everyone wanted to be a contestant on Knightmare, even if it was basically just blind man’s buff with crap special effects. Sadly, the celebrity status that came with it faded rapidly: at uni the other students thought it was vaguely cool in a retro way, at the office it was met with bafflement, and at an over-thirties speed dating event people laughed out loud before hastily ticking the ‘No’ box.

The kid who was the first to get pubes

All hail the special one who took the first step into the thrilling world of adulthood. An awed hush would descend as they strode through the park, a huddle of pre-pubescent acolytes at their heels. Unfortunately, before long everyone else caught up and never again would a couple of pubic hairs be able to command that level of respect. Attempting to repeat the trick in middle-age by showing off their first grey pubes simply got them a lifetime ban from the gym.

The kid who knew all the words to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme

Nothing was more impressive in 1991 than a kid who knew the lyrics to the whole of the Fresh Prince theme off by heart. Fellow 11-year-old’s would cheer and beg them to do it again, making them feel like a god in the process. They’re still word perfect, but it seems less of an achievement now their contemporaries are doing things like getting PhDs and becoming partners in law firms.

The kid who had a SNES and a Mega Drive

Most children were either team Nintendo or team Sega, but that was because their parents couldn’t afford to buy two consoles, so those lucky or spoilt enough to have both had no shortage of kids pretending to like them. However, their ability to perform a seventeen-hit combo in Street Fighter II didn’t help them get a decent job, and they now live in their parents’ box room, spending their evenings getting slaughtered online by teenagers in South Korea.

The kid who had 100% attendance

Receiving an award for achieving one hundred percent attendance gave some children entirely the wrong message about which behaviours are valued in the real world. This kid has turned into an adult office drone, never to be promoted because all they do is turn up, achieve the bare minimum, bitch about how bored they are, and don’t realise that their colleagues hate them.