TEA. Whether it’s high tea at Claridges or low tea in some ghastly greasy spoon, it’s the measure of how you rank in Britain. What does the length of time you leave your bag in say about you?
Ten minutes
You are the lowest, commonest troglodyte. You want your tea so strong it might challenge you to a fight just for looking at it. In fact, you often get a punch in first just in case.
Eight minutes
You are Red Wall, you are Northern, you’ll vote against your own interests just to annoy the beard-stroking whale-hugging lesbians in the ivory towers of Islington. But you can at least afford a microwave to reheat your tea after leaving it to sit that long.
Six minutes
You want a proper brew, but you also want to drink something that isn’t the colour and consistency of wet brick dust. You’re the type of person who still claims to be working class despite owning a MacBook and calling your daughter Sophie.
Four minutes
Ooh, get you now that you’ve moved down to London! You want your tea to taste of something while also having a pallor that suggests you’re sticking your little finger out as you drink it.
Two minutes
You’re turning into a right twat. Sometimes you even drink lapsang souchong, for Christ’s sake.
One minute
Okay, you’ve got an Aga, you own a horse and you’ve have never ventured further North than Watford.
Ten seconds
You are Camilla Parker-Bowles and you are basically drinking hot water. But you’re so inbred that your tastebuds don’t function so you haven’t actually noticed.
