Six pop songs that will actually genuinely help you revise for your GCSEs

EXAMS looming? Left the revision too late? Got earbuds, a Spotify account and three-and-a-half minutes? These could scrape you a pass: 

Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush, 1978

Contains all the information you need: Heathcliff, Cathy, a passionate love that destroyed both of them, a ghost at the window. Doesn’t include: narrator Nelly, Catherine’s brother Hindley, Heathcliff’s adoption, the Lintons and Cathy’s engagement, various machinations of inheritance, anything about the period or themes. But you’ll be fine.

We Didn’t Start The Fire by Billy Joel, 1989

Covers four decades of Cold War history from 1949 to 1989 in rapid-fire style so if you’re studying anything from this period it’s in there, from the execution of the Rosenbergs to subway vigilante Bernie Goetz. Memorise, list, pick up enough marks to jump you up a grade, be grudgingly grateful to Billy Joel for this earworm piece of shit.

Nothing Has Been Proved by Dusty Springfield, 1989

Covering post-war UK politics? Billy Joel’s summation of the Profumo affair as ‘British politician sex’ not enough? Let Dusty talk you through the whole thing blow-by-blow with attributed quotes. This, a few surnames and loose ends tied up, you’re doing History A-level and your parents are talking Oxbridge.

Chemical Calisthenics by Blackalicious, 2002

Tongue-twisting rap which covers everything from the formula of calcium hydroxide to the particles that make up matter, this is educational as f**k. It is also, however, harder to follow than any GCSE science lesson or textbook. A useful reminder if you’ve done the revision; a brain-wiping torrent of syllables if you haven’t.

Rasputin by Boney M, 1978

Surprisingly accurate for a disco track about a pre-revolutionary Russian holy conman. He was a preacher rumoured to be a lover of the queen, she did believe he was a healer, he was poisoned and he was shot. Whether he was ‘a cat who really was gone’ is open to interpretation but could certainly be argued.

99 Problems by Jay-Z, 2004

The second verse, in which Hova assets his rights in a police stop, covers a number of legal issues relating to search and seizure law and gets most of them right. Told in an easy-to-remember anecdotal fashion with careful note of precedent, it’s a valuable primer if you’re taking US law GSCE, which you’re not. Still, write it down and hope for the best.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Glorious sunshine reveals you're living like a filthy animal

THE radiant sunshine beating down on the country has revealed that everyone has been wallowing in their own filth for the last few months.

As well as turning parks into twat-infested shitholes and giving dickheads permission to walk around topless, the sunny weather has highlighted just how dank, unhealthy and disgusting your living conditions have become.

Jack Browne from Nottingham said: “I thought I was a clean and tidy person. But the first shafts of light have exposed me as a slovenly pig man who rummages around in squalor.

“Every surface is blanketed with a thick layer of dust, there are pizza boxes strewn all over the floor, and mould has started growing on my unwashed laundry. I dread to think what you’d see if you started shining around a black light.

Helen Archer from Tewkesbury said: “It’s like that scene in Great Expectations where they throw open the curtains to reveal years of death, decay and festering insects. But rather than being a well-written piece of prose, this is my crap, foetid reality.

“The windows are covered with mysterious greasy streaks, there are cobwebs in every corner, and don’t get me started on the dandruff trodden into the carpet. Compared to the dazzling blue skies outside, I’m living in a flat more scuzzy than a belly button or a communal shower drain.

“So frankly, the sooner this glorious weather I’ve longed for buggers off, the better. I’d rather live in mucky ignorance, plus I can barely see the telly thanks to the glare.”