Six scandals which will need to be ITV dramas before the government gives a shit about them

TWO decades after the Post Office scandal began, the government has noticed it because it was on television. These dramas will get their respective scandals attention: 

Sea of Shite, 9pm, ITV1

A hard-hitting drama following 57 triathalon swimmers who contracted E coli while competing because the sea was full of untreated human waste. Miriam Margoyles as environment minister Claire Coffey says ‘We had no reason to doubt the water companies’ assurances that the sea was fine.’

Mone Alone, 9pm, ITV1

Four-part drama following the PPE scandal of Baroness Mone and her husband, who profited from the pandemic by supplying overpriced equipment which was unfit for use. Anne Marie-Duff plays Mone, assuring Matt Hancock he has no reason to check her credentials as a provider of vital medical equipment during a national crisis.

This Train Doesn’t Stop There Anymore, 10pm, ITV2

Dramatisation of disastrous train privatisation which left British commuters paying the highest prices for the worst services in Europe. Sir Patrick Stewart as Chris Grayling says ‘We had no reason to believe that the rail companies were anything other than dedicated servants of their passengers.’

Moscow-on-Thames, ITVX, on demand

Investigative drama following the flow of Russian money into London and their purchase of property, businesses and newspapers which allowed them to wield outsize influence on British politics even while Putin was poisoning dissidents. Brian Blessed as Lord Eugene Lebedev hisses ‘I am Boris’s mate so you have no reason to f**k with me, get it?’

The Met Ball, ITV3, 9pm

Dramatisation of the corruption within the Metropolitan Police which regularly sees them cover up shootings, corruption, lawbreaking by newspapers and Partygate. Kristen Scott Thomas as Commissioner Cressida Dick says ‘Listen, I got promoted after leading an operation that killed an innocent unarmed Brazilian. That’s just the way this shit works.’

Truss Me, I’m An Economist, ITV1, 7pm

Light-hearted comedy following the farcical misadventures of Sally Phillips as Liz Truss, the hapless minister who can’t do anything right but still gets promoted! After a hilarious two-month spell as prime minister where she kills the Queen and crashes the economy, gives all her mates knighthoods and take a £125,000 annual pension. Oddly, viewers do not find this funny at all.

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Toned gym regulars enjoying fat red-faced twat season

ATHLETIC gym regulars are savouring the annual spectable of overweight, panting new members pounding on running machines. 

Leaning back and barely sweating after a spin class, the regulars are relishing the contrast between their own perfect bodies and the puce-cheeked wobbling New Year intake using equipment upside-down.

Martin Bishop said: “That time of year again, is it? Glorious.

“I was in here on Boxing Day, in the dark, running my morning 15k, fizzing with anticipation. Knowing they were out there, munching pigs-in-blankets before turning their porcine eyes to ‘getting healthy’ and their thunderous footsteps would lead them here.

“Now they’re all in, leaving sweaty handprints on machines they regard as medieval torture devices, when the only machines they know how to operate are vending, it’s like the circus coming to town for us. 

“The best ones are in brand new Lycra over big arses being worked over by personal trainers. It’s like having your own personal PE teacher who hates you.”

Gym owner Carolyn Ryan said: “The members who stop coming by February and carry on paying for three years are the best members. The regulars are freeloading pricks.”