All Reform UK election candidates to be XL Bullies

REFORM UK have confirmed that they will stand only XL Bully candidates in the next general election.

The party, made up of former UKIP members surfing the wave of Brexit’s ongoing wild popularity, have decided only the most dangerous of high street dogs represents their vision for Britain.

Reform UK’s leader, the animated husk of Nigel Farage’s sloughed-off skin which calls itself Richard Tice, said: “We’re suspicious of outsiders, owned by arseholes and mainly attack the vulnerable. A perfect fit.

“Britain is ready for XL Bully MPs. Just like Trumpism, the XL Bully was imported from across the Atlantic but is much loved by good solid British patriots who think everything American is better.

“It’s now as British as the Royal family, as St George, as a non-dom newspaper proprietor. Like Prince Andrew, the XL Bully is inbred, unable to sweat and best kept away from schools.

“The bottom line is: our supporters come from all walks of life but are united by all being people who post weird pro-XL Bully propaganda in a local Facebook group.”

The Reform UK candidate for South Thanet, Biggie Rex, has called for the repeal of the Dangerous Dogs Act, better provision of public parks, and mandatory gun ownership.

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Only shared interest that matters is shagging, couples confirm

THE only thing couples need to have in common is the desire to have sex with one another, it has been confirmed.

Partners across the land are in agreement that a similar taste in films, music and hobbies is irrelevant so long as both parties are still willing to rut each other’s brains out whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Boyfriend Tom Booker said: “Having similar values and ambitions is just a polite facade. Successful relationships are built on a solid foundation of wanting to bone 24/7.

“Take me and my missus. She’s a progressive outdoorsy type who loves camping, whereas I’d much prefer to stay at home all day with GB News on at max volume. But thanks to sex we’ve been happily married for 20 years.

“Shagging’s the main thing we like to do together, and it’s pretty much all we talk about. I dread to think what our relationship would be like without it. Awkward, tense, and completely pointless, I imagine.”

Girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “Don’t worry about their job or having compatible personalities. These are petty distractions from the raw, carnal lust which happy couples prioritise above all else.

“An underlying fear of being alone forever is useful too, but f**king is where it’s at. Ideally three times a day or you might have time to realise you’re completely mismatched.”