Tens of thousands so bored they're watching Aquaman 2

TENS of thousands of people are flocking to cinemas to see Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom because it is cold and wet and there is nothing else on.

The post-Christmas period, in which everyone is depressed, short of funds and it never gets light, has proved to be a boon for the badly-reviewed sequel to a film about a man who is friends with fish.

Sophie Rodriguez, 23, said: “I’m just desperate to get out of the f**king house.

“Like everyone who paid their tenner to see a film they know in advance will be a severe insult to the brain, I’m skint and and bored out of my mind. Couple that with Dry January and here I f**king am.

“Can I remember what happened in the last one? Christ no. I watched it at home stoned. Bunch of fish, Aquaman’s their king, big fish fight at the end. They were right to release this when we had no other options. Still, I’m ashamed to be seeing it.”

Fellow viewer Martin Bishop agreed: “This is a dead end in a failed cinematic universe with a cast whose eyes reflect the empty green screen with every half-hearted, swiftly-abandoned attempt at acting.

“It is absolutely the perfect movie for our current moment. Every time I think of it I hate myself.”

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'I can't believe Vader is Luke's father!': A Gen Zer watches classic films

MANY ubiquitous cultural references will have completely passed by the average Gen Z ignoramus. Here is one 19-year-old’s response to some popular films.

Saving Private Ryan (1998)

‘This is one of loads of films set in the Second World War Universe. Whoever owns the copyright to that must be raking it in. It was a bit confusing as it depicts the Boomer generation fighting people who are racist and homophobic, when we all know Boomers love being racist and homophobic. Oh, the guys fighting fascism were older than the Boomers? That explains a lot. Boomers have to ruin everything, don’t they?’

The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

‘This is part five of a whole bunch of films set in a galaxy where interplanetary space travel’s a thing, but nobody has phones or the internet. The earlier ones had better special effects and more fighting but this one wasn’t bad, although I dozed off during the boring swamp bit. I can’t believe Vader is Luke’s father! And why doesn’t Luke just go and work for Dad? Wish I was a nepo baby.’

Psycho (1960)

‘This one was made in the olden days before people had access to fresh fruit and gyms, so everyone was really grey. Even though it’s about this old lady who stabs people to death, which sounds exciting, it’s actually quite slow and boring. Turned off after an hour. The best bit was when the main character got murdered in the shower. I did not see that coming, however much you tell me it’s an iconic cultural moment that everyone knows about whether they’ve seen the film or not.’

The Godfather (1972)

‘This was about a family who’ll do anything to get their own way. Imagine the Kardashians if they were old white men. Couldn’t understand a word the main guy was saying, so it was probably the first and last time that actor got a job. Not sure why it’s called The Godfather, though. My godfather is Uncle Martin, and all he does is occasionally buy me CDs which I have no way of playing.’

Mrs Doubtfire (1993)

‘Wow, this one is really ahead of its time. Robin Williams plays a pan-gender elder who is prepared to go the extra mile to be with their children when an arch-capitalist villain played by Pierce Brosnan tries to take them away. Hard-hitting stuff, and it was made 30 years ago. Incredible.’

Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

‘No. Sorry. Far too long. Didn’t bother starting it. Come back to me when it’s been edited into 222 separate one-minute videos.’