Six songs about driving that try to make it sound fun

DRIVING is boring manual labour nobody but the chronically dull could enjoy. These misguided tracks attempt to make it fun: 

Driving in My Car, Madness, 1982

Songwriter Mike Barson provides a full backstory for his vehicle, including but not limited to what car it is unlike, where he bought it, who from, make, age, place of manufacture, previous owner details, usage for insurance purposes, recent maintenance work, and journeys of interest. Imagine that conversation in the pub.

Autobahn, Kraftwerk, 1974

Germany’s robots from the future chose to narrate the 22-minute drive from Düsseldorf to Hamburg. Lyrics like ‘We are driving, driving, driving on the Autobahn / In front of us is a wide valley / The sun is shining with glittering rays’, punctuate the song’s middle-lane monotony. One for the automotive purists.

Shut Up and Drive, Rihanna, 2007

A thinly-disguised metaphor for f**king, like most/all Rihanna songs, which even while sexing up stepping into a ride with ‘a sunroof top and a gangsta lean’ betrays its frustration with actual motorists. You don’t tell the driver to shut up unless you’re bored shitless of him telling you how much time the A34’s saved you.

Racing in the Street, Bruce Springsteen, 1978

Clearly just such a driver, Bruce is all about detailing the specifications of his machine and how he won his girlfriend by beating a dude in a Camaro in a street race. His girlfriend who cries herself to sleep because Bruce fills the evenings with the same quality chat you’d hear from boy racers in the car park of an out-of-town B&Q.

Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car, Billy Ocean, 1988

In this song Billy instructs his dream girl to vacate his mind and enter the four-wheel reality of his car. It’s a huge leap of faith; for all the dream girl knows she could find herself clambering into a pimped-up Citroen Saxo with UV lights underneath. But for real, Billy was cruising a red-light area, right? That’s where you’d say this?

The Road to Hell, Chris Rea, 1989

This is how Chris really feels about driving home for Christmas. Jams, poison, joy scared into the shadows, the fear of violence choking smiles from every face. The songs we could have been saved from if there were better rail links to Middlesbrough.

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Woman sits children down to break bad news that house is worth less

A MOTHER has sat her two sons down to give them the terrible news that their house is worth £30,000 less than it used to be. 

Joanna Kramer told sons Theodore and Raphael that she and daddy had been given some very serious news that she needed to dicuss with them, and yes they could each have a kombucha.

She continued: “You know that mummy and daddy have worked very hard and been very lucky to buy us this lovely house? Which was priced at £840,000 on Zoopla only in June?

“Well, boys, I’m sorry to say that due to economic conditions which are very much not our fault the house has fallen in value by an upsetting amount. And this isn’t the end. It could fall further.

“Don’t cry darlings. No, Teddy, we don’t have to move out. We’ll still live here and it’s still detached, in catchment for a grammar school and worth much more than all your friends’ houses. It’s just a teensy bit less special, that’s all.

“It is unfair, Raffie, terribly unfair. I hoped just as much as you did that this house would soon be worth a million pounds. One day it will be, I promise, but we’ll have to wait a little bit longer.”

Theodore Kramer, aged 11, said: “Mum did really well hiding her tears, but this is devastating for her.”