IN denial about your age? Make sure you’ve got painkillers to hand, because this list of quarter-century old songs will get your back playing up:
Heart-Shaped Box – Nirvana
While it’s sad to think that Kurt Cobain would be 53 now, it’s tragic that grunge should be a staple of Steve Wright’s Non-Stop Oldies on Radio 2. Kurt died so we could have mortgages, 55” flatscreens and Volvo SUVs.
Linger – The Cranberries
If this Irish alt-folk bullshit sounds fresh to you, you went stale a long time ago. To your credit you’ve lingered and got to the age where each new year gained is a genuine achievement. Now go put some Voltarol on that broken heart.
You Oughta Know – Alannis Morissette
It’s bone-chilling to realise all the modern female artists sounding like Alanis are three decades removed from her, born of bitter sex-with-an-ex hook-ups to the sound of Jagged Little Pill. Grandmothers sing along to these vengeful tales of being f**ked over.
Saturday Night – Whigfield
Ah, you were a cynical student who mocked it. But you’re as far from Whigfield now as you were from The Beatles back then, and now you do the dance with your middle-aged mates as if you were never disdainful. If the air is getting hot these days, it’s probably a menopausal hot flush.
Breakfast at Tiffany’s – Deep Blue Something
God, remember the deep shame you felt as a teenager when your mum sang along to this in the kitchen and did a little dance like she was young? That’s your kids now when you say ‘I quite like this new Coldplay one’ and sashay your hips.
Mysterious Girl – Peter Andre feat. Bubbler Ranx
25 years. 25 years off one song and one I’m A Celebrity, and Peter Andre is still famous. You’ve got to hand it to the f**ker. Your boyfriend from back then’s had a hair transplant.