Six songs with euphemistic lyrics that are definitely about drugs and sex

IF the lyrics to any song are even slightly ambiguous, that’s not because the composer was struggling to find rhymes. It’s because they’re about filthy vices:

Neighbours theme by Tony Hatch and Jackie Trent

‘That’s when good neighbours become good friends’? A clear reference to everyone on Ramsey Street being swingers. The whole song’s a torrent of filth about the uninhibited sex lives of horny Australians in an orgy-obsessed cul-de-sac. All made explicit after 37 years of subtext in the finale where Guy Pearce wore a gimp suit.

Agadoo by Black Lace

No 80s party was complete without Agadoo and everyone, including your nan and grandad, dancing along to ‘push pineapple, grind coffee’. Grinding coffee is obviously sex, more specifically scissoring. Pushing pineapples is dealing crack cocaine. Once you’ve danced it you’ll want to do it for real.

Wannabe by the Spice Girls

The video, where the Spice Girls harrass the homeless before running wild in a hotel, makes it clear the ‘zig-a-zig-ah’ of the song is a street drug, probably heroin, injected into the male member. ‘Slam your body down and wind it all around’ is a reference to the muscle spasms linked to withdrawal.

Supersonic by Oasis

Elsa, the girl who sniffs Alka-Seltzer through a cane on a supersonic train and has done it with a doctor on a helicopter, is clearly a cocaine user feeding her addiction through high-end prostitution. Oasis made this lifestyle seem so appealing that all of their female fans would have followed suit, if they had any.

Atmosphere by Russ Abbott

A decade before Ebeneezer Goode there was an ecstasy anthem by 80s comic Russ Abbot. School discos played the track, innocently unaware it was about ecstasy-fuelled raving and the Ibiza Balearic scene. How else are lines like ‘you and I’ll be dancing in the cool night air’ – a reference to E raising your body temperature – to be interpreted?

Walk the Dinosaur by Was (Not Was)

The band claimed it was about nuclear armageddon, but it’s clearly a call to arms for doggers. ‘Walk the dinosaur’ is dogger code for ‘leaving the house to meet complete strangers in a layby off the A505 to bang someone’s wife over the back of a Kia Optima.’ The lyric ‘you fell asleep, I stayed awake and watched the passing cars’ was written on a quiet night.

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Six other things less popular than Theresa May in 2018

THE prime minister is less popular among his own MPs than Theresa May in 2018, when she was less popular than scabies. What else is he as unpopular as? 

The Black Death, 1346-1353

A bubonic plague pandemic which killed 30 to 60 per cent of Europe’s population and wasn’t well liked for it, but at least it didn’t laugh in your face. At least it didn’t pretend it had nothing to do with close relatives dying alone then insist it was focused on ‘getting on with the job’

The kid who spat on people during Year 9

That one kid who wasn’t even hard who spent a year gobbing on everyone. Down stairwells, in class, in the playground, after school, he’d gob and run. Didn’t even care when he got beaten up for it. Just laughed and carried on. Eventually expelled.

Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace, 1999

Reviled in its time and even worse looking back, when we see the two mediocre trilogies and slew of desert-based Disney+ series it unleashed on the world. Like Johnson, dickheads hopelessly entangled in the mess tried to argue it was good. Like Johnson, by the end even they didn’t believe it.

President Trump, 2020

Four years into Trump’s presidency the whole of government had only one purpose: defending Trump and the shit he did and said. Sound familiar? The US is measurably more insane than Britain so the terracotta-toned dumbfuck still got 74 million votes in that year’s election. And lost.

Germany, 1919

The whole continent’s been involved in a hugely destructive war. Every table in Europe is without sons and fathers. Germany started it. Nobody liked Germany. But incredibly Germany, with the help of hyperinflation and Hitler, managed to build from that start to become even more hated within just 20 years. Inspiring, Boris?

Theresa May in 2019

Unable to win an election in 2017, scraping through a vote of no confidence in 2018: looking back, these were the high points. After repeatedly calling Downing Street press conferences to tell us all off, finally resigned. Now occasionally spoken of without hatred. Johnson may dream of that as a future.