'Clothes shopping's so hard when you're a size eight' and other shit your skinny friend says

SHE gets all the attention, fits Zara dresses and benefits from accepted beauty standards, but your thin mate still acts the victim. Here’s the bollocks she says: 

‘I have got to go on a diet’ 

Unless that diet is raw eggs and steroids to prepare for a body building competition, this statement is illegal when you’re a third of the size of the person sitting next to you. If she needs to go on a diet because she’s ‘huge’, that puts you roughly equal with the country of Lichtenstein.

‘Clothes shopping is a nightmare’

It absolutely is for anyone who’s shopping with her. The nightmare of fighting back tears in the fluorescent lighting of a River Island dressing room with jeans your size refusing to pass your thighs while she complains that hers don’t perfectly cinch her tiny waist. Buy a belt and get out.

‘I don’t know why these places give you too much food’ 

Perhaps you hadn’t realised you were dining in the presence of the tiniest, most delicate china doll in all the kingdom? You’d thought nothing could take the shine off a bowl of cajun chips, but it turns out your friend announcing she’s done after nibbling six does it every time.

‘Fruit is the only pudding for me, everything else is too sweet’

The faultless sequel to the bullshit above. Not enough that they’ve ruined the entrée, they need to massacre the pudding too.

‘It’s so hard when people only want you for looks’

So hard. So incredibly f**king galling. You can’t think of a single thing harder than guys queuing up to shag you before they’ve even learned what you’re really like. Though maybe nobody wanting to shag you no matter what you’re really like is kind of tough.


Posting a bikini picture is not brave if her go-to anecdote is about being scouted for bikini modelling.

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Public happy enough to watch him suffer

THE public has confirmed it is content to watch an impaled Boris Johnson wriggle like a worm on a hook for a while before being finished off. 

Yesterday’s no confidence vote was widely regarded to be the worst possible outcome for the Conservatives but the best possible outcome for aggrieved Britons keen to see the bastard sweat.

Sue Traherne of Ludlow said: “Fatally wounded? Gutshot? Dragging himself, bleeding, into a hiding place to escape the hunters? My summer just got made.

“It’ll be very different from summer two years ago, under lockdown, not seeing anyone, not having drinks parties in the f**king garden, but my enjoyment is closely related. The one justifies the other.

“I hope he thrashes and screams and does as much damage to the party as possible in his final throes. And you know what? I really think he will.”

Ryan Whittaker agreed: “The great thing about a duplicitous narcissist getting cornered is that he’ll do anything necessary, no matter how hilariously kamikaze, to survive. Even though you know he won’t!

“There’s time enough to schedule the arse-kicking of Boris Johnson out of Downing Street as the BBC’s big Christmas Day evening show. Imagine the ratings.”