INDIE legends The Smiths have admitted they will eventually play a series of hate-filled reunion gigs.
Despite a bitter history of recrimination and legal action, the musicians wearily agreed that 14 sold out nights at the O2 Arena was sickeningly inevitable.
Lead singer Morrissey said: “I once claimed I would rather eat my own testicles than reform The Smiths. However, in my heart of hearts I know that all that awaits me is a massive cheque and a testicle sandwich.”
Guitarist Johnny Marr said the band would obviously reunite, even though they were all utterly appalled by the prospect.
He added: “It might be 2020, it might be 2040 but, much as I hate to say it, it will happen. Because of all the money.
“Do you see?”
Drummer Mike Joyce, said: “I’ve always resented the idea that my drum patterns weren’t as absolutely essential to the success of The Smiths as Morrissey’s lyrics and Marr’s guitars.
“However, I know that given the right amount of money the Ayatollah Khameni would French kiss the Pope. It’s the same with us.”
Morrissey added: “Even if our lawyers are up there on stage with us, we will play together. Humiliating as it is for my supposed integrity, there is absolutely no doubt about it.”