Snoop To Pimp Out Deirdre Barlow

RAPPER Snoop Dogg is to feature in a Coronation Street storyline that sees him running a stable of psychotic crack whores from above the shop.

The star is a big fan of the show and insists on Bettie’s Hotpot as part of his backstage rider. He also remixed the theme tune for his recent album Weatherfield This, Motherfuckers.

Dogg said: “I be chilling with some mild in the Rover’s Retizzle while my shorties Deirde, Gail and Janice take turns on my dizzle.

“Then that bitch motherfucker Ken Barlow be all up in my grill, fronting about some plannng application ’til I have to pop a cap in his motherfuckin’ head.”

Coronation Street producers had been keen to celebrate the show’s 50th anniversary with a tram-based bloodbath, but now insiders are hinting the wage bill could be reduced with a drive-by shooting as Snoop and Deirdre turn up the Fiddy Cent and spray a bus stop with a pair of Uzis.

Snoop added: “In the show, I turn out Deirdre ‘cos she been out of cash since the council made her redundant.

“I drive her wrinkled ass to Bolton and tell her not to come back ‘less she got my money. Then she gets all fucked up on crack and shit and tells me she got some scores to settle with some bitches and motherfuckers.

“We take down the bus queue and then get out of the car and dance real dirty as that badass, theme tune trumpet shit comes on.”

The storyline is the first time a US star has appeared in a long-running UK show since Harvey Keitel reprised his ‘Bad Lieutenant’ role in Last Of The Summer Wine in 2003.

The BBC received 48 million complaints after Norah Batty was pulled over in her car and forced to watch Keitel masturbate into a cup.

Coronation Street producer Roy Hobbs, said: “It’s great to have Snoop here and in 10 years’ time when we’re fending off further accusations of racism for having so few black characters on the show because our audience is afraid of them, then maybe he can come back.”

 

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Iran To Rebrand Itself As Lovers' Paradise

IRAN is hoping to attract thousands of Western tourists after rebranding itself as the ultimate destination for lovers.

The Tehran government wants to make the country a by-word for romantic getaways where couples can enjoy spectacular, golden sunsets, long walks on the beach and relax in the knowledge that there is now just a 60-40 chance of one of them being stoned to death.

The Department of Internal Security and Tourism has drawn up a series of advertising campaigns with slogans including ‘Take the woman you own somewhere special’ and ‘Iran – We probably won’t kill your wife’.

According to a leaflet, to be distributed in this week’s Mail on Sunday:

“From the moment you undergo your first interrogation at the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini International Airport you will find yourself in a lovers’ paradise where you can both rediscover why you forced her to marry you in the first place.

“Let her walk eight paces behind you, before treating her to an incredibly hot and uncomfortable new dress from one of Tehran’s four shops.

“Feel free to explore our beautiful landscape, but if we suddenly decide that you are Western spies you can enjoy a romantic breakfast on the terrace and spoil yourself with a choice of either dry, unleavened toast or finest Iranian tap water before being re-chained to your own personal radiator.

“And if you happen to accidentally drive within 30 miles of one of our experimental nuclear power stations you can rest assured that you will both be tortured in the same dungeon (subject to availablity).

“Meanwhile, if you do end up getting stoned to death, we’ll tell all your friends and relatives it was for a wonderfully romantic reason.”

Nathan Muir, tourism analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin said: “This is a smart move by Iran. With some clever, well-positioned marketing and the right kind of ad campaign, people will quickly forget that it’s an utter fucking hellhole run by bastard lunatics.”