Song of Ice and Fire single released

THE full-cast song with which the Game of Thrones finale concluded last night has been released as a single with hopes it will go to number one. 

The epic musical number, which united all current and departed cast members for an anthemic track, was the moment that all eight seasons have been building to and had viewers in tears.

Fan Nathan Muir said: “It begins with a delicate solo from Daenerys alone in exile before the massed voices of the Starks, like a male voice choir, come in with their gruff Northern verse.

“Like Band Aid, everyone gets a couple of lines, from Sansa’s soprano to the Night King’s death metal growl, and Tyrion’s middle-eight rap narrates the whole extraordinary journey in a seriously dope 16 bars.

“Then they all join together for the chorus ‘It’s a song of ice and fire, of wolves ever so dire, of brave knights with their squires and dragons that flames respire.’

“‘It’s a great big game of thrones, from tropical to polar zones, of kings reduced to bones, who will win it? No-one knows!’

“Then at the end the whole thing completely collapses into a cacophonous mess, but all the money goes to the Westeros Orphan Fund so buy it anyway.”

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Which historical monsters could have been stopped with a milkshake?

THROUGHOUT history, evil men have led nations into war, slaughtered their own people and doomed generations to slavery. But could today’s advanced thick shake technology have stopped them? 

Idi Amin 

The former leader of Uganda, a notorious butcher of his political opponents and his own people, would probably have resigned on the third occasion his cherished military uniform and medals were covered in vanilla shake that even dry-cleaners struggled to remove.

Adolf Hitler

In the first half of the 20th century lactose intolerance had yet to be invented, meaning thousands, like Hitler, drank milk without realising it was giving them terrible bloating, flatulence and delusions of racial purity. A thrown milkshake would have led Hitler to cut dairy from his diet in shame and consequently to drop the whole Nazi thing entirely.

Genghis Khan

The founder of the Mongol Empire was raised on fermented mare’s milk which sounds horrible. If he’d been given the shake treatment when invading the Caucasus then licked the delicious mix from his face, he’d have realised there was more to life than conquest and opened a cafe.

Vlad the Impaler

Poking your straw through the lid of a McDonald’s milkshake is quite like impaling a peasant, but afterwards you get to drink a milkshake. Vlad would, after obviously impaling the person to first douse him, found himself doing more of the latter and less of the former.

Margaret Thatcher

As the creator of soft-scoop ice-cream, Thatcher was already familiar with sweetened and emulsified commercial milk products. A milkshake couldn’t have stopped her reign of terror. Nothing could.