Spice Girls headlining Glastonbury 'will end world'

IF the Spice Girls top the bill at the Glastonbury Festival, the world will cease to exist, it has been confirmed.

Experts have warned Glastonbury boss Michael Eavis that he holds the fate of the planet in his hands and urged him to book someone like Foo Fighters instead.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “As the opening notes of Spice Up Your Life are vomited though the loudspeakers, we can expect the moon to turn blood red.

“Waves of lava will then descend from the heavens and everyone and everything will melt.”

He added: “As a society we have become so debased that we would even entertain the possibility of 2 Become 1 being performed on the Pyramid Stage.

“We will deserve our fate.”

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Seven people getting the broadband speed they pay for

A FEW people in Britain are getting the broadband speed that was in the advert, according to new research.

Regulator Ofcom found that as many as seven people, mostly in London, are receiving speeds of up to 20 megabytes and can download an entire film in less than the average lifespan of a rabbit.

Stephen Malley, a telecoms analyst at Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: “Over a decade ago BT launched an ambitious rolling programme to dig up thousands of British roads to install fibre optic cable, before waiting for two weeks and then digging them up all over again and removing it.”

But Malley said an administrative error meant that some of the fibre optic cable was left in place, resulting in more than half a dozen people who had no need to call a helpline at £2.50 a second or be ground into whimpering submission.

The UK telecoms industry has now pledged to rip out the last few remaining yards of fibre optic cable and replace it with a load of stretched-out coat hangers.

A spokesman for BT Openreach said: “These coat hangers are made from top quality Bulgarian tungsten and can run up to three bingo sites at the same time.”