If you hold in a burp it turns into a fart, confirm eight year-old research scientists

HOLDING in a burp will result in flatulence, according to Britain’s leading eight year-old scientists.

The theory, developed yesterday afternoon, is set to radically reshape the study of where farts come from.

Lead researcher Nikki Hollis said, “It’s all here in our findings.

“Burps turn into farts and you can’t hold your breath forever because then you’d just die.”

Scientist Wayne Hayes added: “We also researched what’s worse, a burp or a fart. And it turns out that a fart is much worse because it smells worse.

“Which is further evidence, if it was needed, that you should never hold in a burp because eventually there will be so much bum gas that you would have to go and live on the moon.”

The findings will be published in the school newspaper, despite claims by so-called year three ‘teacher’  Mr Logan that the research is ‘fundamentally flawed and actually quite dangerous’.

Meanwhile, the research team claims their theory also suggests that if you hold in a fart while holding your breath, your eyes will eventually pop out and bounce around the room like super bouncy balls.

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Woman who tried festive-themed coffee full of self-loathing and dairy

A WOMAN who bought an orange and praline pumpkin-spiced latte is experiencing intense remorse and lactose-induced bloating.

Nikki Hollis was swept away by a pleasant feeling of Christmas spirit which resulted in the purchase of the drink on her way to work, but soon found it replaced by an overwhelming urge to vomit in the bin by her desk.

Hollis said: “In theory I like the flavours of orange and praline, and I also like whipped cream, but by combining them and heating up the resulting gloop they have managed to create a very disgusting substance.

“Describing it as ‘coffee’ should be illegal, and associating it with Christmas has ensured that anything vaguely festive will forevermore bring the taste of pumpkin-spiced bile back to my mouth.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Christmas is brilliant for capitalism because people can be easily persuaded into buying something stupid like themed coffee, just by putting a picture of a snowman on it.”