Stephen Hester confirmed as new Dr Who

FORMER RBS chief Stephen Hester is the new Doctor Who, it has been confirmed. 

A BBC spokesman said: “”As soon as we heard he was leaving it was a no-brainer, we had to get Hester.

“Like RBS, Doctor Who is a publicly-funded venture that has run into choppy waters. Yes he’s costing us more than Tom Cruise but we need a solid, balding alpha male who is totally the opposite of these foppish emotionally-incontinent Doctors.”

Hester said: “My initial priorities are keeping Clara safe and stabilising the space-time continuum.”

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Her entire fruitloop family is on my case

Dear Holly,

My pregnant fiancée’s just heard a rumour that I’ve been a bit naughty behind her back. Now her entire fruitloop family is on my case. What can I do to stop her going batshit?

Kanye West

Los Angeles

Dear Kanye,

As Dostoevsky wrote, ‘don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time’. Saying that, the chances are you’ll get off fairly lightly, that’s what it’s like at my school anyway. Thousands of years ago, when my granny was a girl, you got twenty lashes and a week in the chokey for an errant apostrophe; nowadays, you pretty much have to burn the school down just to get a detention. However, if the evil Michael Gove gets his way we’ll all be back to the dark ages: teachers will regain their former pugilistic powers, no-one will be safe from flying board erasers and boxed-ears and misbehaviour will be forced underground again. In the meantime, try writing ‘I must not refer to women  as bitches or hoes’ one hundred times in your exercise book- that might help a little bit.

Hope that helps!