Strivers and shirkers to become rival pop acts

X FACTOR 2013 will pit singers with jobs against a band of benefits recipients.

The show’s researchers have been contacting job centres and offices to recruit candidates for two rival bands, The Shirkers and The Strivers.

Simon Cowell said: “The stakes couldn’t be higher. If the Strivers win, then the Shirkers will be reported to the Benefit Fraud Squad for failing to be available for job interviews while they were recording the show.

“They will have their unemployment benefit docked and be forced to dredge canals for scrap for £1 a day.

“If the Shirkers win, then they will enjoy a year of touring provincial leisure centres before being ‘returned to the jobs market’.

“But they’ll be alright, because after twelve months’ graft they’ll have become strivers.”

The show will intersperse performances with pre-recorded VT segments showing the Strivers delivering excellent customer service while the Shirkers are seen going to Wetherspoon’s as soon as it opens.

X factor fan Emma Bradford said: “I’d rather lost interest in the show but since hearing about this I’ve gone out and bought twelve phones.

“Finally they’ve realised it’s not about the singing, it’s about the fun of passing character judgements on total strangers.

“Which happens to be my talent.”



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£45m death machine used for killing people

A MASSIVE helicopter armed with machine guns, missiles and rocket launchers has been used to kill people, it has emerged.

Prince Harry confirmed that the £45m Apache attack helicopter, given to him for his 25th birthday, has done exactly what it was supposed to do.

He said: “You take a life to save a life. It’s tremendously enjoyable.”

Death consultant Martin Bishop said: “The Apache carries something called a 30mm chain gun which will make a hole in your face the size of an apple. It’s the first thing they show a trainee pilot, at which point he starts panting like a cartoon dog.

“The Apache also has ‘Hellfire’ anti-tank missiles, 70mm unguided rockets and Stinger air-to-air missiles. None of these are used to drop leaflets about democracy.”

Bishop added: “If Prince Harry had failed to kill anyone with his Apache it would have led to a renewed debate about the dangers of royal inbreeding.”

The prince is now on his way back to the UK where he will begin his search for a new hobby.

He has set up a team to research ways in which he can continue to kill people legally or secretly.

A source said: “He loves the idea of taking his Apache for a spin over the centre of Bristol, but someone would probably notice that.

“I suspect he will spend the next 12 months accidentally shooting hunt sabs and forcing cyclists into ravines.”