SuBo musical to include séance, dressed-up cats and a bloody good cry

PRODUCERS of the Susan Boyle musical have promised it will be the perfect night out for a certain kind of person.

The lavish stage production, based on the life of the remarkable little Scottish woman, will include a 45 minute séance led by Living TV’s 14th best medium, a spectacular cat fashion show and the opportunity for everyone to have a really good cry about stuff.

The show will tell Boyle’s rags to riches story through a series of powerfully emotional songs that everyone will be encouraged to join in with.

Meanwhile, in a bid to create a tidal wave of pre-menopausal hormones, selected audience members will get a chance to speak to a dead relative through an amazingly accurate middle-aged man wearing too much hair gel called Brian.

The audience will also be encouraged to enter their own cats in the fashion show with the winner being allowed to make a tearful speech during which they will compare themselves to Ms Boyle before fainting dramatically.

Producer Stephen Malley said: “We want the audience to feel at home so we’re inviting everyone to bring a flask of tea or a bottle of Baileys, as well as whatever brand of chocolate biscuits they routinely devour.

“They will also be allowed to keep their mobiles on so they can give constant Facebook updates and phone each other during the show to compare notes on the cat costumes or just cry as loudly as they can at each other.”

Malley added: “Some people will say that rooms full of women believing they are talking to dead relatives has got nothing to do with Susan’s amazing success, but we would argue that it has absolutely everything to do with it.”


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Celebrity culture making women feel insufficiently stupid

WOMAN are being pressurised into emulating unrealistic levels of
brainless folly, according to a new

Research by the Institute for Studies found that female celebrity role models like Katie Price, Paris Hilton and the triple-headed tit hydra that is the Kardashian sisters possessed a level of dim-wittedness which is unattainable for most women.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “They’re asking themselves questions like ‘Am I stupid enough?’, ‘Can I ever fully exclude thoughts unrelated to sex and social status from my mind?’ and ‘Will I ever be just a dead-eyed, Ronsealed-looking host organism for pretend boobs?’.

“Of course the answer is invariably ‘no’ and this is where neurosis begins.”

He added: “We live in an age where everything wants to be stupid, but it’s important to remember that there is more to life. Like, for example, being rich.

“Women must learn to be happy with their own personal stupidity – and perhaps set personal thickness goals, for example convincing themselves of one idiotic thing every day such as that kangaroos are a type of dog.”

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “However hard I try and whatever products I use, I cannot make my brain the same as Khloe Kardashian’s and that upsets me.

“It seems that however hard I try I am stuck with a level of intellect somewhat above the Heat magazine ideal.

“Sometimes, in a fit of self-loathing, I go and gorge myself on a book.”