Tate Crack Filled With Junkie Borrowers

THE huge crack in the middle of the Tate Gallery has become a seedy hangout for tiny, drug-abusing Borrowers, the Daily Mash has learned.

More than a dozen visitors to the central London exhibit have fallen into the crack only to be beaten and robbed by heroin-crazed, three-inch junkies.

Known simply as 'The Crack' among the capital's Borrower community, the 580ft long artwork was once a thriving thoroughfare for the miniature people until a visiting art history professor accidentally dropped a small plastic bag filled with cocaine.

"Very quickly the whole neighbourhood was awash with the stuff and it wasn't long before the dealers and the hardened criminals moved in," said Wayne Hayes, a Borrower outreach worker.

"It's very dangerous to venture in there after dark. Tiny drive-by shootings are commonplace and every street corner is occupied by gangs of incredibly small prostitutes."

Police believe that organised gangs of Borrowers are forcing rich tourists into the crack either by tying their shoelaces together or baiting the widest sections with Brussels paté.

"Why else would so many of them have fallen in?" said Superintendent Bill McKay. "It's not as if they're all complete morons."

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Muslim Teddy Bear Has Paws Chopped Off

SUDAN was facing international sanctions last night after hacking off the little paws of a three year-old teddy bear.

The cuddly toy was found guilty of blasphemy after taking the name of the prophet Muhammad, in defiance of the country's strict Islamic teddy-bear naming laws.

A spokesman for the Sudanese ministry of justice defended the sentence, adding: "This is an act of mercy.

"Our laws demand that blashpeming toys be stripped to their underwear and stoned to death before their bodies are thrown into the desert as an afternoon snack for the vultures. 

"By removing only the paws of this infidel we are demonstrating great restraint. This is a gesture of goodwill to you Western devils and your pornographic governments."

He added: "How would you react if your child named a teddy bear after Jesus, John the Baptist or even Tom Hanks?

"Would you not decapitate the toy, thrash the child and throw the teacher off a cliff to be devoured by ravenous killer whales?"

The United Nations and Amnesty International have called for the release of more than 2500 cuddly toys imprisoned without trial since early September.

A UN spokesman added: "Of course, some may argue there is no point in us keeping all these Sudanese children alive if they can't even think of a legal name for a teddy bear."

The bear was named following a classroom vote, with 'Muhammad' chosen ahead of 'Paddington', 'Baloo' and 'Al-Hassan, the Terrible Golden Sword of Righteousness'.