BNP Abandons Racism After Oxford Debate

THE far-right British National Party is to abandon racism after listening carefully to the opposing arguments during last night’s Oxford Union debate. 

BNP leader Nick Griffin said the discussion had convinced him that all human beings were of equal worth and that everyone was descended from the apes, not just black people.

He also agreed that black people did not smell really bad after being given a large African to sniff at the climax of the sometimes heated, but always good-natured, event.

Nikki Hollis, the American student who debated Mr Griffin, said: “He placed the African against his nose, breathed in deeply and then looked across at me, smiled and mouthed the words ‘I was wrong, you win’.

“The place just erupted. There was a huge round of applause and everyone was hugging, laughing and crying. I was holding Nick, he was kissing the African, it was really emotional.

“I think he was still in a state of shock, he just kept whispering ‘I’m tight with my nigger’ over and over again. It was the most moving experience of my life.”

Mr Griffin said he now believed the human race to be 'one big happy family' and saw no reason why everyone could not just live together in peace and harmony.

He said: “I watched perform here tonight a most accomplished African band, not only were their compositions very advanced but they also had the most fantastic natural rhythm, just like white musicians.”

However, Mr Griffin said he had avoided visiting the urinals with any of his new black friends. “They’ve all got such gigantic cocks,” he said. “How splendid.”

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We're Inside Your iPod, Confirms MI5

BRITAIN'S security services have implanted a chip in every iPod and now have detailed records of everyone's taste in music, MI5 agents told Radio 1 last night. 

In an exclusive interview with the youth station the agents said MI5 was "kicking" and that the security services wanted to send "big shout out to their bruvvahs in CIA, innit".

Asked if it was true that the security services had helped the government fabricate the reasons for invading Iraq in 2003 the agents said: "whatever". 

However, they did confirm that the Iraq war dossier was copied off the internet because they were 'heavily skunked' and physically incapable of writing one of their own.

Agent Bill Mckay added: "Have you ever been to an art gallery and felt like the eyes in the portraits are following you? That's because they are."

He also confirmed that all television sets are now like those used in Noel's House Party, enabling the security services to see into every British living room. "Edmonds is absolutely central to our strategy," he added.

Agent Nikki Hollis confirmed the security services are no longer involved in Prince Philip's plans for a violent military crackdown.

She said: "He's mellowed with age and in any case the British people are so comprehensively indifferent that it would be a complete waste of time."