The BBC's guide to enabling bellends

ARE you a broadcaster who feels the need to support blustering bellends then can’t understand why they turn on you? Here’s how the BBC keeps doing it.

Invite them onto panel shows

Normalise out-of-touch and otherwise unelectable dickheads by making them regular guests on comedy quiz shows. Have I Got News For You did wonders for Boris Johnson’s image, but when you see the repeats on Dave it’s a bit jarring, like Mussolini popping up on A Question of Sport.

Give airtime to f**kwits

Doggedly believe that everyone’s opinion is valid and needs to be heard, even if they believe mad things like bearded old veggie Corbyn being one of the IRA’s top men. This will empower like-minded idiots watching at home, who can boo and shout along with Question Time like a gammon version of karaoke.

Slam the Opposition for no reason

Did the actual government mess up seriously again and you had to report it? For balance get various pundits and editors to speculate pompously about Labour’s problems. This is definitely not an attempt to placate Tories who hate you in literally every possible way, from the licence fee to Dara O’Briain being a bit too clever for his own good.

Don’t hold power to account

As a national broadcaster it’s not your place to really challenge politicians’ shameless bullshit. Instead you should report clearly disastrous policies with cool indifference as if you were reading out the phonebook. You’re probably not going to be around in five years anyway, so f**k it.

Employ Laura Kuenssberg

Rely too much on one journalist who churns out gossipy ‘Westminster bubble’ tweets on a daily basis for the bulk of your political coverage. Maybe lay off reporting what’s on Dominic Cummings’ mind today and try something more informative, like whether Larry the cat is thinking of cleaning his anus.

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Skilled lover or a bit common: What does your takeaway delivery say about you?

TAKEAWAY deliveries are more popular than ever, but what does your meal say about your social class, personality and lovemaking skills? Read on and find out.

Domino’s Pizza

You are not going to enjoy hearing this, but it has to be said. A liking of Domino’s bog-standard pizza means you are unadventurous in bed. Try something other than the missionary position before your partner leaves you for a libertine who likes Pizza Express ones with loads of chillis. 

Delivery from a gastropub

This firmly establishes your middle-class status, especially if you eat your massively overpriced meal of mezze flatbread and pomegranate salad in a home full of unread books by Noam Chomsky and Salman Rushdie while excessively praising Marina Hyde’s latest article in the Guardian. 

Kebab meat and chips 

For people who fear the wild exoticism of pitta bread and salad. You need to be more aspirational and break out of your self-limiting, peasant-like view of the world and aim higher. Start by having the kebab meat in a bap with some mayonnaise.

Fried chicken bucket

Note: bucket. No one tells you where to draw the line, you crazy mutha! Rather than gnawing off every last bit of meat from one of the 30-or-so chicken pieces, you just start a new one. You are unafraid of new challenges, an enthusiastic lover and a genuine rebel. Although you have been having strange twinges in your left side recently.


If you are overcome with joy by having a Big Mac brought to you on a bicycle, maybe it is time to rethink your life.