The beloved TV pets from your childhood who are long dead

REMEMBER the adorable animals who had you pressing your nose to your TV screen as a small child? Wondering where they are now? Get ready for bad news: 

Shep from Blue Peter

Gorgeous Border Collie Shep, best pal of John Noakes, the bringer of joy to millions of children with his zest for life and playful spirit. He’d gambol about and lighten your 1970s heart as you tucked into a meal of Smash, and probably still would today if he hadn’t died in 1987.

Pippin from Come Outside

Auntie Mabel’s canine companion Pippin was half-Tibetan Terrier, half-Bearded Collie, and completely adorable. Always up to mischief, she inspired millions to get a dog just like her. Recycling fans will be heartened to know that the first Pippin died in the ‘90s, and her grandson, who replaced her, is also now dead.

Eddie from Frasier

Adorable and quick-witted Jack Russell Eddie was actually played by a father-son duo – who reportedly couldn’t stand to be in the same room together. Showbiz, eh? Even the dogs are prima donnas. Since the show concluded they were both sent to live on a farm, meaning they died.

Rowlf from The Muppet Show

Cuddly Muppet Rowlf first took to our screens back in 1963. An average dog’s life expectancy is about 12 years. Do the math. His modern iteration of him is likely a great-grandson pretending to be the original canine or, and only read on if you’re ready to accept this, his reanimated corpse.

K9 from Doctor Who

Sorry, nerds. No amount of technical wizardry could keep this archaic robot running since 1977. The original K9 was sold for scrap soon after he first hit screens, and his successors have all been converted into porn computers and sex robots.

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The five-point guide to deciding if you should have a wank

WAVERING about your commitment to having a hand shandy? Find out if the conditions are opportune with this guide:

Consider how long it’s been

Cast your mind back to the last time you indulged in a bit of self-abuse. If it was more than 48 hours ago, then enough time’s passed for you to get the most out of self-stimulation. If it’s been less than an hour since your last onanistic odyssey, consider giving it a rest, having a shower, and going outside.

Check your surroundings

Secure the area before getting down to business. Conduct a reconnoitre of the perimeter, checking for open curtains, hackable webcams and colleagues or family members. If any of these are present, relocate to a more secure position such as a broom cupboard or the staff toilet. Any room with a lockable door will suffice.

Have a rummage

Test the waters with a preliminary fumble. Ideally you should feel pleasurable stirrings in the groin region. If all you register is a dull sensation like you’re handling a couple of conkers in a sock or leafing through folds of cured ham then you’ve probably exhausted your masturbatory potential for the time being. Try again in five minutes.

Consult your diary

The coast’s clear and your body’s giving you the green light. The only thing standing in your way is the rest of your life. Put your erotic momentum on hold for a moment: have you got a pressing engagement like a redundancy meeting or funeral taking place in the next ten minutes? If the answer is ‘yes’ then zip back up and abort.

Source filth

In medieval times, peasants had to forage in the woods for a stray page torn from Razzle. But thanks to modern technology, we now carry the entirety of the world’s porn in our pockets. Fire up, start scrolling, and forget about how internet porn is damaging your libido until later. It’s finally wanking time.