Horsey-horsey better than parliament, says Queen

THE Queen has confirmed that, aged 96, she sees more point to watching a load of horses gallop in circles than going to parliament. 

Her Majesty failed to attend the state opening of parliament last week, leaving the job to be done by her son and her hat, but was present for Windsor Horse Show on Friday and an equestrian spectacular for her Platinum Jubilee last night.

She said: “At my age you have a clear idea of your priorities, and it’s not reading out a load of Tory bollocks to dickheads in suits.

“You’re much better off watching magnificent horses galloping about in a ring, manes tossing free, none of them lying manipulative bastards like that scruffy twat who turns up at the palace every week.

“Horses are far superior to politicians. When they lie on command it’s genuinely impressive and proof of the bond between man and beast, not covering up tawdry lockdown parties.

“Who’d be a better prime minister, a lovely five-year-old dappled grey Highland fell pony, or any of those arses in the Commons? Exactly. I’m beginning to see Caligula’s point.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Six things to say about your friend's new boyfriend that aren't 'he's a prick'

YOUR friend has introduced you to the semi-sentient skid mark she claims is her new boyfriend, then asked your opinion. What the f**k do you say? 

‘You seem so much happier’

She’s smiling and genuinely does seem content, so maybe this ugly dude with the monotone voice really knows what he’s doing in the bedroom. Or maybe she gets off on being disappointed sexually?

‘He’s a real character’

Keep working that observation – characters don’t have to be likeable, attractive or stable emotional partners. He’s a character like Freddy Krueger or Pennywise the clown are characters. Coincidentally, they’d also make better company down the pub and probably better boyfriends.

‘He’s got so many unusual opinions’ 

Interesting in that a psychologist would want to analyse them for a clinical study of the most odious men on the planet. Is there a medical diagnosis for monologuing for 30 minutes straight about how landlords actually provide a valuable service to society and are the real victims today?

‘He’s definitely punching above his weight!’

This one seems like you’re complimenting your friend, but the monobrowed mouth-breather she’s inexplicably enamoured with would still be punching above if he were with any woman with a pulse. Or indeed without a pulse.

‘He’s perfect for you’

A great option for if your friend is also a raging dickhead of a human being, or is in need of a course of relationship shock treatment to stop her dating wankers. Or if she’s the aforementioned psychologist needing participants for her clinical study of arseholery.

‘He’s great!’

Lie. Just flat out lie to her face, it’s so much easier. Then when they inevitably break up you can gasp along at what a bellend the obvious bellend turned out to be, sympathise until she finds the next prize twat, then smile, nod and lie all over again.