The best musical instruments to be a wanker with

DO you enjoy playing your music to people but never notice how hideously uncomfortable they look? Here are the best instruments for being a musical wanker.


If you’re a woman there’s a strong chance at least one date has ended with a man inviting you back to his house to play their insipid songs for a tediously long time. They may as well just toss off in front of you. Wanker rating: 7


If you expect people to listen to you dick around with a little Casio keyboard with a bossa nova beat – well done, you have reached new levels of self-absorption. However the true music bore needs a big cumbersome keyboard that brings back unpleasant memories of Level 42.

Quite simply it’s the only instrument for musos who want to show off their 18-minute jazz-trance-ambient compositions with titles like Infinities of the Aural Soundscape. Wanker rating: 8


Chances are you’re learning the sax purely because it’s cool, although in your hands it sounds more like painful flatulence. Before you fart out various tracks from your Late Night Sax compilation you should really ask anyone present to sign a consent form. Wanker rating: 6


The instrument of choice for people who also list vintage teacups and Wes Anderson films amongst their interests. Usually used for playing something twee and irritating from the soundtrack of Juno.

You may also be in a hipster ukulele band still doing ‘hilarious’ covers of Smells Like Teen Spirit and Purple Haze six years after everyone lost interest. Wanker rating: 9


If you think people genuinely enjoy listening to you play the bongos you are worryingly delusional. If you play them to embellish a poem you wrote then prison is too good for you. Wanker rating: It goes up to 11

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Blazing rows to be judged by VAR

COUPLES’ arguments will be adjudicated by video assistant referees to determine who is in the wrong.

With the Champions League planning to introduce VAR technology, experts now want high-definition video footage to become a routine part of relationship counselling.

Therapist Tom Logan said: “The problem we face is not knowing which side to take, because it’s one person’s word against the other and they’re usually both bloody liars.

“With VAR technology we can easily establish whether Iain had been criticising a perfectly nice meal, or if indeed it was Gemma who’d had a bad attitude all evening.

“Then we can really get to the meat of the issue, such as if he did subtly imply that he fancies her mate Vicky.

“And with cameras installed throughout homes for weeks, months or years, we’ll definitely be able to clear up whose turn it is to put the bins out.”

Emma Bradford, who participated in a trial of the technology with her boyfriend Matt, agreed it was highly effective, particularly when it proved Matt was an idiot.

She said: “It turns out he was wrong about loads of things. Yes, the VAR counselling has caused us to split up, but it’s worth it to be in the right.”