The best musical instruments to be a wanker with

DO you enjoy playing your music to people but never notice how hideously uncomfortable they look? Here are the best instruments for being a musical wanker.

Guitar

If you’re a woman there’s a strong chance at least one date has ended with a man inviting you back to his house to play their insipid songs for a tediously long time. They may as well just toss off in front of you. Wanker rating: 7

Keyboard

If you expect people to listen to you dick around with a little Casio keyboard with a bossa nova beat – well done, you have reached new levels of self-absorption. However the true music bore needs a big cumbersome keyboard that brings back unpleasant memories of Level 42.

Quite simply it’s the only instrument for musos who want to show off their 18-minute jazz-trance-ambient compositions with titles like Infinities of the Aural Soundscape. Wanker rating: 8

Saxophone

Chances are you’re learning the sax purely because it’s cool, although in your hands it sounds more like painful flatulence. Before you fart out various tracks from your Late Night Sax compilation you should really ask anyone present to sign a consent form. Wanker rating: 6

Ukulele

The instrument of choice for people who also list vintage teacups and Wes Anderson films amongst their interests. Usually used for playing something twee and irritating from the soundtrack of Juno.

You may also be in a hipster ukulele band still doing ‘hilarious’ covers of Smells Like Teen Spirit and Purple Haze six years after everyone lost interest. Wanker rating: 9

Bongos

If you think people genuinely enjoy listening to you play the bongos you are worryingly delusional. If you play them to embellish a poem you wrote then prison is too good for you. Wanker rating: It goes up to 11