The bellend's guide to ruining conversations

ARE you the sort of twat who likes to hijack conversations or stop other people joining in? Here are some tips for ruining any pleasant chat.

Exclude people

Find a subject half of your friends are unable to contribute to, such as classical music or finding a good primary school in your area. Savour their glumness as they realise they’d have more fun sitting at home listening to Radio 4.

Bring everyone down

If everyone’s having a light, frothy conversation about weird kids they knew at school or Bagpuss, now is the time, apropos of nothing, to bring up your aunt’s recent cancer scare.

Watch with satisfaction as everyone is forced to talk about your serious thing instead. Other good topics include: the time you were burgled; dead pets; how you wish you could do more to help the victims of genocide.

Talk about something balls-achingly dull

Steer the conversation onto subjects from the deepest pits of boredom hell: going on an advanced spreadsheets course, or how your new squeegee mop has been a bitter disappointment compared to the last one.

Get everyone using their phones

Start showing people pictures on your phone. You’ll start a phone ‘chain reaction’ and soon everyone will be looking at utterly pointless photos, such as the carvery meal Gavin and Sue had last April in Ipswich.

Encourage others to be morons

If any of your friends are having a vaguely intelligent discussion about the economy, derail it with moronic comments like: “Even economists don’t understand it – and they’re all bloody liars anyway!”

Any dunces present will love your populist stance, and soon you’ll be able to drag the conversation back to droning on about your new cooker or whatever.

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Workplace friendship turns horribly awkward outside office

TWO colleagues had the horrific experience of discovering their banter-based work relationship does not exist outside the office.

Tom Booker invited Martin Bishop to the pub following months of shared jokes about difficult clients, the coffee machine and office away day.

Booker said: “As we stepped outside the office I riffed on our favourite topic of coffee capsules but his smile was forced and unnatural.

“I think he’d realised we don’t really know each other and was wondering what the fuck we were going to talk about, or if outside the workplace I’d turn out to be a total weirdo.

“By the time we got to the pub he actually looked quite scared. I should know, because I was wondering if there was some way to just run off.”

Bishop said: “We had a really painful conversation about rugby which neither of us are into. The awkward silences were getting so excruciating I thought I was going to have a panic attack.

“There was no need to take our relationship to the pub. It worked perfectly in the confines of Wanstead Insurance Services and now it’s ruined forever.

“I don’t know how I’ll face Tom tomorrow. We’re both straight but it’s like we had really bad sex.”