Heinz drops plans to rename Salad Cream 'Weird Sweet Goopy Shit'

HEINZ has gone back on its decision to rebrand Salad Cream as ‘Weird Sweet Goopy Shit’, a name thought to appeal more to millennials.

The planned change caused outrage among loyal Salad Cream consumers who were not ready to face the truth about their addiction to the strange substance.

Stephen Malley of Daventry said: “Calling it Salad Cream makes it sound normal, to the extent that it’s normal to add cream to a salad.

“The new name would have been more accurate because it admits there is something deeply odd about this weird condiment no other country shares our addiction to.

“However I prefer a name that cloaks the strangeness in a little familiarity and hides the British desperation for bottled sauce with every single meal.

“If millennials don’t like the name they should just make some and put ‘Craft’ in front of ‘Salad Cream’. They’ll fucking love it then.”

A Heinz spokesman said: “We anticipate no such backlash against our next rebrand, which will be changing Tomato Ketchup to ‘Red Sugar for Chips’.”


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Lazy bastard boyfriend refusing to become mindreader

A SELFISH boyfriend has refused to learn to read his partner’s mind, it has emerged.

Despite going out for seven years, Nathan Muir is still incapable of anticipating girlfriend Donna Sheridan’s unspoken needs using psychic powers.

Sheridan said: “You know that silent understanding TV couples have where all it takes is a look between them and they know what the other means?

“Yeah, Nathan can’t do that.

“The other day my sister was coming over at 6pm for dinner. I beamed that information to Nathan with my eyes, but he was still really surprised and annoyed when she ‘unexpectedly’ turned up.”

Muir said: “I do have some mind-reading powers. I instantly get the gist if she gives me a look that says ‘I want to go now’ or ‘You’re not doing that’.

“The things I can’t do are translate detailed restaurant orders or receive plans for the evening while she’s miles away at work.

“What Donna needs to realise is that if I could I’d be mega-famous like Derren Brown and not going out with a nobody like her.”