The Crystal Maze, and other shows you're stupid enough to think you'd be brilliant at

DO you spend your time watching telly, eating crisps and saying ‘I could do that?’. Here are some shows you’d make an utter twat of yourself on:

Bear Grylls: The Island

You reckon within a few hours of landing you’d be putting your feet up while you roast a wild boar over a fire. In reality, you’d fall over while clambering off the boat, sprain your ankle and get stung by a jellyfish. Then you’d beg to be taken home.

The Crystal Maze

In your head you’d be sweeping up crystals left, right and centre as you breezed effortlessly through the Aztec Zone. Whereas, actually, you’d make a massive balls up of a profoundly simple task while the rest of your team yelled at you, and the clip would humiliatingly go viral online.

The Cube

Despite the show’s entire premise being that relatively simple tasks become incredibly difficult under pressure, you still think you’d smash it. In reality, you’d end up struggling to roll a ball into a hole, and have a panic attack so intense you’d need to be rescued from the perspex box while Phillip Schofield looked on disdainfully.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Although people rarely make it the million pound question, you think your excellent general knowledge skills would get you there in no time. However, you’d go to pieces under the mocking gaze of Jeremy Clarkson, and your mind would go so blank with fear that you wouldn’t be able to remember the name of the Titanic during the first round.


Gladiators is the show you’re convinced you would have easily won, thanks to the incredible physique you know is lurking somewhere beneath all the rolls of fat you’ve gained since the show tragically went off air. The truth is that being in the mere vicinity of Jet would have turned your arms to jelly and you’d have fallen off the Hang Tough rings in two seconds.

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Next John Lewis ad to show boy torn apart by millions of hatching alien eggs on Christmas morning

A FOLLOW-UP to the new John Lewis ad will show a trusting young boy screaming as millions of invasive alien eggs hatch from his body on Christmas Day.

The ad will be shown on Christmas morning, during Santa Claus The Movie, featuring the same boy who previously made an alien friend rushing down to open his presents.

When he spies a special present wrapped in silver foil he tears it open to find an extraterrestrial device, which starts pulsing strangely as he suddenly finds himself suffering agonising abdominal pain.

Advertising executive Jules Cook continued: “The rest of his family back away, terrified, as he jerks and thrashes before bursting open to shower the room in gore and a million star-shaped alien babies.

“We pan out to reveal this is happening in every home in the country and the world, and the newly-hatched otherworldly visitors are consuming humans for their food and painting huge bloody stars across our continents.

“It’s all done to a minor-key acoustic cover of Evisceration Plague by Cannibal Corpse. Should really bring footfall to John Lewis.”

Mum-of-four Jo Kramer said: “Well I don’t care, I think it’s heartwarming.”