The Tory voters' guide to why it's not sleaze when they do it

DO you vote Tory? Worried the party is mired in sleaze and corruption? Here, Tory MP Bill McKay explains why it isn’t.

It’s nice to help your friends out

Jacob Rees-Mogg recently extolled the benefits of the ‘convivial fraternal spirit’ of the Conservative party. Not only does this mean Tory MPs magically can’t catch Covid, it also allows us to get our mates out of trouble, even if it means trashing democracy in the process. That’s what friends are for.

It’s not lobbying, it’s entrepreneurial spirit

We Conservatives are pro-enterprise, and what is doing a bit of business on the side for large sums of money if not enterprising? Lefty socialists will obviously try and paint it as corrupt, but that’s because they want to live off state handouts, the lazy bastards.

Parliamentary standards are a fussy distraction

Getting rid of parliamentary standards stops further distractions for our MPs in the future. Do we really want Boris to take his eye off the ball while he’s investigated over the tedious little claims that a party donor paid for his gold wallpaper? Of course not, he needs to keep his eyes on the prize, namely horsing about like an idiot. I mean, governing.

Persistence isn’t corruption

If you don’t get the result you want so you decide to set up another body who will definitely come up with the correct one, it’s not corruption, it’s persistence, resolve and determination. All good, honest Conservative values that we can we proud of.

At least we’re not the Labour Party

Whatever we Tories do, pointing out that we’re not the Labour Party is the ultimate get out of jail free card, even if it doesn’t make much sense. Extra points if you add something about how it’s their fault the economy is wrecked, as if we haven’t been in power for eleven years.

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Prince Charles’ guide to living a radical green lifestyle

WITH the planet in peril, it falls to wise yet humble people like me to set an example of living a frugal and sustainable lifestyle. Here are my tips:

Have your valet run your bath to a marginally cooler temperature

Yes, we all like a piping hot soak but by ordering your man to maintain the bathwater at two degrees cooler, you’ll save energy and be doing the polar bears a jolly big favour. If your man squeezes the toothpaste on your brush at the same time, he’ll save some energy too.

Power your helicopter on horse manure

I adore horses and I also adore my helicopter. Combining the two and inventing a helicopter powered by biomethane would boost my already impeccable green credentials and also mean I won’t have to get on a smelly train like the plebs do when they want to do their bit for the environment.

Use recyclable cartridges when grouse shooting

I’ll admit his idea’s rather at the drawing board level as how you extract hundreds of bits of shot from a dead bird I don’t know. I’ll leave that to the boffins to fix, but hang it all, something has to be done, as I want to keep killing things without a guilty conscience.

Have your tenants wear smocks, as in better times

Inevitably, to fix the planet we’re going to have to revert to the pre-industrial feudal system when peasants tugged their forelocks to their betters. Handing out sturdy smocks that don’t contain dangerous plastic microfibres would be a step in the right direction, as well as keep the serfs in their place.

Knock down houses to plant trees

We need more trees, so I suggest knocking down several thousand houses and planting trees in the spaces created. I’m sure the owners will be happy to move out as it’s for a good cause. No, you can’t knock down my twee vanity project town Poundbury. I am nearly the king, you know. Fingers crossed.