PARANOID that everyone’s talking about you behind your back? No need to worry, they’re only whispering this:
You look a bit tired
Can you not see the massive bags under your eyes? And the waxy skin? It’s because you’re losing sleep thinking about all our judgements of your physical appearance. Get some rest. Brush your hair first though, or are you trying for dreadlocks? They won’t work on you.
You worry too much
Seriously dude, chill out. You seem majorly stressed about all this. It’s the talk of our private WhatsApp groups. We can’t tell you because you’re so stressed so we text then stifle laughter while not meeting your eye, creating a paranoid feedback loop. So relax, will you?
Do you need a holiday?
Surely that would help, unless you lose your luggage or the plane crashes or you get arrested and locked up for 20 years. And we all know you’re that kind of dickhead. Not that we’re suggesting a holiday to get rid of you or anything.
Talking to a professional is the best way to fix your paranoia. Although what if they’re a fraud, and after each session they call your friends and family and tell them everything you just shared? Does that happen. Best be safe and bottle up everything forever.
Sorry, this is a two-person conversation between me and the person I’m whispering to behind a cupped hand. Yes, we’re saying your name but it’s not about you. Now, if you’ll excuse me… [whispering noises] yeah, him… [whispering noises] massive f**king paranoid wanker…