The five terrible albums in your parents' CD collection

MUSICAL tastes are varied and subjective, but every parent has bought and listened to the same shitty albums. Here are the awful CDs cluttering up their racks.

Military Wives: Remember

Commemorating the armed forces is all well and good, but a collection of World War I marching songs belted out by families of those who served doesn’t exactly make for enjoyable listening. Your mum only picked it up because it was on clearance by the WHSmiths self-scan checkout and instantly regretted it.

U2: The Joshua Tree

Just as every student house has a poster of Amelie, every parent has a copy of this middle-of the-road album. Your dad says tracks like ‘With or Without You’ remind him of his misspent youth, whereas in reality he just listened to it on a loop while he toiled away in a dead-end job office cubicle.

Battle of Britain soundtrack

The soaring score that accompanied the 1969 movie is decent enough, although it doesn’t sound half as good when it’s blaring out of your parents’ Volvo 240. That doesn’t stop your dad winding down the window, feeling the wind through his hairless scalp, and imagining that he’s swooping over the White Cliffs of Dover in a Spitfire.

Il Divo: The Greatest Hits

A Christmas 2012 stocking filler for your mum that’s still in its original shrink wrapping. It will never be played, but every now and then your mum likes to look at the sexy Il Divo boys on the cover. Your dad also likes it because he got it on the cheap with his MVC loyalty card.

Any rock anthems compilation that came free with the Mail on Sunday

Despite containing decent tracks by the likes of ZZ Top, this CD’s rock anthems are somewhat undermined because they’re endorsed by the Mail. They’re probably just the cheapest tracks the paper could get copyright clearance for, and it’s a bit off-putting, like imagining your parents trying different sex positions.

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How to be a fanatical England supporter who only got into it last week

SUDDENLY discovered a deep love of football now that everyone else is into it? Here’s how to be extremely annoying about it.

Pretend you’re an expert on football

Make confident but bland and meaningless statements during matches, eg. ‘Kane needs to break through the defence’ or ‘I don’t think anyone wants it to go to penalties’, as if you are wise old Gandalf explaining Middle Earth to naive little hobbits.

Look like a twat

Others may simply enjoy the footie with a good few pints. Not you. Paint your face so you look like something out of Braveheart, buy a variety of cynically overpriced England tops, and get a massive St George flag for your home, so your neighbours are unsure if you just like football or might be a potential far-right terrorist.

Keep singing that f**king song

Many football followers are a bit weary of the 1996 Baddiel/Skinner/Lightning Seeds dirge, but for you it’s fresh and new. Sing it at every opportunity. It will never become irritating. 

Learn a few basic football facts and keep repeating them

It could be that Jack Grealish is considered a promising new talent, or Johan Cruyff was one of the great players. This stuff is the bread and butter of football fan conversations so no one will actually notice it’s quite tedious. 

Massively emotionally overreact 

Any minor success by England should make you leap out out of your seat screaming ‘COME ON!’ while punching the air. If we lose to Italy, instead of just going home from the pub disappointed, sit there sobbing inconsolably as if you’ve been made redundant, your partner’s left you and your dog’s been run over, all at the same time. 

Immediately lose interest

After the brief emotional rollercoaster of England in the Euros, swiftly move onto a totally unrelated pastime, eg. learning to play the clarinet.